Saturday, February 04, 2006

When your big fat mouth gets you into big fat trouble

I should be sleeping right now. If you’re not ready for some drama perhaps you should come back when you are. I personally am never ready for it.

My sweetheart (who currently doesn’t love me all that much right now) had to go somewhere and was going to come back late, so I went ahead and went to bed. I heard her come home and waited for her to come into the room so I can ask her how it went. I waited for awhile while she shuffled around the house. Then I hear a lot of clattering noises in the kitchen. She’s making all this godawful noise like she’s getting ready to cook a banquet or something. Annoyed, I get up to see what’s going on.

Me: “What are you doing?” (in an annoyed voice)
Her: “There’s all this water all over the floor and you don’t care!"
Me: “What? Well I didn’t know the stupid thing was leaking again!"
Her: “Why didn’t you fix it like you said you would??"
Me: “I thought I did!” (I’m feeling very defensive now.)

There’s a stupid water hose going from the fridge to the pipes under the sink so the thing can make ice. It was leaking where two pieces of hose were joined together. The morons who attached it for us crimped the hose in a way that made it leaky. I suggested cutting off the kinked part of the hose and reattaching it to the connector thing. She suggested I tape it with some super-sticky plumbing tape I have. I chose the easier route and taped it.

Didn’t work. I went to bed without checking the leak, and the fucker created a pool in our kitchen.  So she’s pissed off at the leak, which translated into her blaming me for not fixing it. I get defensive, feeling totally unappreciated for my prior efforts (even though they failed). I don’t like her attitude towards me one bit. After another short exchange of raised voices, I stalk back to the bedroom. Here’s what I’m feeling… I’m feeling like her whole accusatory attitude towards me is equavlent to her telling me “fuck you and your lazy ass.” On the way back to the room, I am, in my mind, retorting back to her, “And fuck you too.” Only my mouth, my big fat stupid mouth, actually says it aloud. It’s muttered under my breath, but audible. Oh shit.

Her: “What did you say?"
Me: “Nothing."
Her: “No, what did you say?"
Me: “Good night."
Her: “That’s not what you said."
Me: “Then why are you asking me!"

Nothing creates more antipathy and hurt feelings than an unintentional “fuck you” between lovers. Shit shit shit. What the hell is wrong with me? Can’t I hold my tongue for one lousy minute? Can’t I just shut the fuck up and let things settle down? No, I always have to have the last word, no matter how hurtful. I feel like such an asswipe. Right this moment I wonder what I’m doing in a relationship. How can a social gimp like me possibly carry on a meaningful relationship? I’m constantly apologizing for moronic things that spill out of my mouth. And this one is quite a doozy.

She’s constantly telling me, “Why don’t you think before you speak?” I honestly can’t help it. Anytime I try to explain that it’s an Aries thing, we tend to blurt, she’ll have none of it. “Don’t give me that, that’s no excuse. You’re not a child who can’t control her actions.” (That last one is her favorite.) But… that’s the thing!  I can’t!  I try, and sometimes it works, but it’s just my nature to be tactless, stupid and mouthy in an argument!

*sigh* ...I don’t know how to face her now. You don’t say “fuck you” to someone you love. You just don’t. How do you take back words you didn’t mean? It’s impossible. I’m impossible. Gaaaahhhhh!!!!