Monday, January 09, 2006

Wandering in and out of the closet - When coming out is a blurred process

It is often portrayed that when you come out of the closet, you are announcing to the world that you prefer the same sex. As if exiting your closet automatically meant that you were laying yourself bare for the world to see. This might be the case if the world were actually paying attention to you.

When I figured out that important part of myself, I chose to inform only those who were closest to me… which turned out to be only 2-3 people. As I figured it out a little more and became more comfortable with it, I decided to come out. Now, coming out may seem like this big scary act that takes a huge amount of guts to do. Well it all depends on how you define “coming out” and how you go about it.

For me, that closet represented denial. By coming out of it, I was no longer denying my identity. However it did not mean announcing it to everyone I knew. I took on a policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” If you didn’t ask me whether or not I preferred women, I wouldn’t volunteer that information to you. I don’t go around announcing that I have dogs instead of cats, so why should this other aspect of my life be any different? If someone were to ask me point blank, “Are you a lesbian?” I would simply say, “Yeah."

But most people are tactful. I’ve never been asked point blank like that. Most of the time the question is, “Do you have a boyfriend?” That’s pretty much how my coworkers at my last job found out. It was a small, cozy company where everyone was like family to each other and the comfrot level was pretty high. One day my boss notices a ring on my finger (because I never wear rings) and gets all excited. “Ooh is that a promise ring? Who is he?” At that point I had a decision to make, was I really out of the closet? Would it affect my job? I decided that no, I was not in denial, and no it wouldn’t affect my job because these people were cool. It helped that the two bosses who ran the company were liberals. So I answered, “Actually, it’s a she..."

After a couple seconds of digesting this information, she responded, “Oh! That’s great! Congratulations!” I felt the congratulations on multiple levels, as it was intended. She felt honored that I would share this information with them, and I felt a certain sense of freedom for having done it.

Life is simple when you’re not in a relationship. You basically only need to look out for yourself. But once you get involved, your own feelings are not the only things at stake anymore. When you get together with someone, you take on all the baggage that comes with it. It’s up to you do decide whether or not you are strong enough to help your significant other carry that baggage, because if you aren’t, you will be crushed by it. There is no other choice. You either help carry it or get out.

My sweetheart likes to joke that her baggage is like an entire moving van of issues. I knew this going into the relationship, and yet I couldn’t stay away. If you read my previous post then you understand the complications. When a person’s happiness depends on you covering up a part of yourself to certain people, you have to decide if it’s worth it to you or not. You have to weigh the importance of this to her and compare it to its importance to you. Her family bond was a part of her heritage, her support group, and her way of being. My lesbianism was also a part of my being, but it was different. Revealing that part of me to her conservative family would wound that cherished bond she had. Hiding that part of me from them wouldn’t take anything away from me. I would still be a lesbian. I would still be all the other things that make me who I am.

The only time I will deny my lesbianism is when I am asked by a loved one to keep it secret. They have very good reasons for asking me this, and I am not so selfish as to deny them their request when it is so important to them. I am out of the closet, but when the situation suggests it I will sneak back in for a bit until the coast is clear. It’s a survival tactic and I’m not ashamed.

My mom is another example of who I will do this for. She claims that she is ok with my “choice” (it will take some time before I can convince her that it isn’t a choice, it’s a way of being). She tries very hard to be nice to my sweetheart, and I do appreciate it. She’s from a conservative asian background, so it takes time to accept these things, even if it is your own child. I can tell she’s not completely comfortable about it, but the fact that she is trying makes all the difference. She has asked me not to tell her friends about my relationship. She wants to be the one who informs them “when the time is right”.

I’m okay with that. She’s very proud of me and my accomplishments and likes to parade me around her friends when I visit. Being the nosy Chinese women they are, they will ask me point blank, “So when are you getting married?” That’s how old fashioned they are. In their time the high point and entire purpose in your life was to get married to a man, serve him and pop out children. So when they ask me if I have a boyfriend I’ll just laugh, honor my mom’s wishes and tell them, “Not right now.” It doesn’t harm me, and they’ll start philosiphizing about “the new generations”. They’ll say things like, “Well that’s good, nowadays it’s important for girls to have good careers. You’re too busy to have a relationship. You can be independent.” Every time we get that part of the conversation over with I can tell my mom is relieved. If I can avert some discomfort away from my mom, I’m going to do it. Even though I’m not all that close to her, she is still my mom.

I’m not ashamed of who I am, but there are times when it would just be better for certain people not to know, especially when it affects people I love. After all, as much as I like to say it is, it isn’t always about me.