Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The journey of lesbian self discovery
Probably the most important part of a gay person’s life is when you come out to yourself. It doesn’t involve other people. Even if you use friends or family as a sounding board, it’s an epiphany that you yourself have to realize and come to terms with. Why does it take some (like myself) so much longer than others? It didn’t really click for me until after I graduated from college!
Looking back at my tomboyish childhood, most people would think it was pretty obvious that I was a lesbian. I preferred GI Joe toys to the girly dolls, hated to wear skirts and dresses, and had no interest in makeup or boys. What took me so long to figure it out? I dunno, I guess I had nothing to compare myself to. To me, “gay” meant happy. I once wrote a poem in 4th grade that rhymed and had the word “gay” in it—it was about being happy, or something. I can’t remember exactly what it was about, but I do remember the other kids snickering when I read it aloud. How is it that they knew about gay (not in the happy sense) people and I didn’t?
I think it’s a combination of what we’re exposed to, and our awareness level. Considering the title of this blog, you know my level of awareness rivals that of a fence post. Combine that with the fact that there were no movies or TV shows with lesbians in it, and lesbian literature wasn’t mainstream enough for the public library to even carry them (not that I was looking for them at the time). My parents were the only other source for information, but they were no help at all. They voted for Republicans and were generally conservative across the board. The only time I ever heard gayness mentioned in the household at all was when there was a news report of a gay rally somewhere in the city. My mom said something like, “Why do those gays have to flaunt it in front of everybody?”
I recall at the time thinking, “What’s wrong with that? Aren’t they allowed to be different and express their views?” I didn’t say anything (I was still fairly young and household debate just wasn’t something we did) but I remember disagreeing in my mind. How could she, a minority woman who still speaks with a Chinese accent, condemn these people for being different? What exactly are they “flaunting” that is so wrong?
Some people, the lucky ones, have friends to talk things over with. Maybe this is how some of them discover themselves earlier. I was an asocial loner who prefered to escape into books and movies, and later video games. It wasn’t until the Internet was big that I finally had resources to explore.
Information. It really is power. The coming out process was delayed for me because I had no information. I had few social clues, and no definitions or labels. How could I consider myself gay or lesbian when they weren’t even factors to be considered at the time? I was surrounded by role models repeating the story that women fall in love with men and marry them. Humans didn’t dream about traveling in space when they weren’t even aware that there was anything beyond the clouds.
With all these things considered, it makes perfect sense that I took this long to figure out that very important part of me. I don’t see it happening any other way, not without swapping parents or changing my personality anyway. Everyone’s journey is different. I don’t envy others for knowing themselves much sooner. The journey is part of what makes you you.
Edit: It looks like my honey made a “Part 2" to this post. She’s such a sweetheart. Complex, but very sweet!
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Categories: • Lesbian Love • Personal Insights