Sunday, May 21, 2006
Strippers!
Yesterday was my first time at a bachelorette party. Interesting experience. There were penises everywhere! Uh, let me rephrase that. There were penis-themed items everywhere… Penis balloons, penis-shaped candy, penis-printed napkins, even a penis-shaped cake. The things I put up with to support my heterosexual friends.
The highlight of the evening were the three male strippers they hired. I was unimpressed. Oh sure they were pretty to look at, no doubt about it, but they weren’t all that. First of all they were supposed to arrive at 9, 10 and 11pm respectively. The first one didn’t show up until 10, the second one at 11:30 and the last one sometime after midnight. It’s okay to be late to a party, but not if you’re working!
Anyway, my only experience with strippers of any gender has only been on TV. I had some expectations and was curious if these guys would live up to them. So here’s how they were…
Stripper #1: He gets there wearing a white T-shirt and jeans and runs into the bathroom to “get ready”. 15 minutes of “getting ready” he comes out wearing a wife-beater, jeans and suspenders. WTF? Where’s the sexy policeman or fireman costume? His stripping consisted of removing the tank top and pants. Two items of clothing. Where’s the tease in that? There’s no teasing involved here. As soon as he’s gyrating around in his g-string he immediately starts dry-humping the bride-to-be. And that’s his whole routine. Different positions, dry-humping to music. He does this with everyone who has a dollar hanging out of their bra. One of the ladies asks him to dance. He wouldn’t, and just continues to do the same thing over and over, occasionally wiping off sweat with a towel. After he left, we all agreed we didn’t like him.
Stripper #2: This guy arrives in army fatigues and already looks better. Unfortunately the stripping part of his routine was equally brief, and he too starts dry-humping all the ladies. To his credit, however he was more creative than the first one and at one point even grabbed some overhead doorway trim, heaved himself up into the air, wrapped his legs around one girl’s head and started pumping. Very energetic, and much more entertaining. Again the same lady asked him to dance for us. His response was something along the lines of, “Why you gotta be in control? I’m the man here, I’ll tell you how it’s gonna be.” What? Did he actually just say that? Okay so you can’t dance, do you have to be a chauvinist about it?
Stripper #3: This guy was a big improvement. He also shows up in military fatigues of some kind, but of a different color. So far it’s the best outfit of the bunch. This guy knew how to perform. Again it was mostly dry-humping the women, but he was very creative and showy about it. He even had knee pads so he could do some interesting moves on the floor. He didn’t do all that much dancing, but he did do a little. Definitely the best of the three.
For the most part I stayed way out of the way so I wouldn’t get humped-upon by these sweaty guys. Gross. I was sitting on an office chair, so every time a stripper came near me I would roll back into the corner, behind my sweetheart for protection. Come to think of it, I think the highlight of the evening was actually my baby’s fresh-made guacamole… YUMMM!
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