Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Powerlessness
Today my sweetheart requested a particular gift for her birthday. It isn’t a crazy expensive item, but it’s a little more than we can afford right now. I can’t say no to her, I just can’t. Whatever she desires, I want to get it for her. I want to make sure she’s happy at all times. It really pained me to say no. The mortgage (shit, that thing is due AGAIN??) and my car payment just about wipes me out, but there’s still the gas bill, the electric bill and all the other fucking blood-suckers out there.
None of this is new. And I’m sure most of you have no pity for my situation, because it’s the same situation that the majority of Americans find themselves in. But here’s the thing—nothing frustrates an Aries girl like myself more than the feeling that she can do nothing. It’s this excruciating sense of absolute powerlessness in the face of no options. I stared at my bank balance, did the math, and came up with nothing. Nothing. I could do nothing. The thought reverberated through my skull like a church bell. Frustration filled me to the point of overflowing… and the tears fell. I was mortified, crying over not being able to buy the gift. Why was I being so stupid and emotional? It’s not like we lost the house, or even my car.
My honey assured me that it was fine, we didn’t need to get it. It can wait until later when things were better for us. She reminded me that she would love me no matter what. And I knew that already. That’s not what had crushed my spirit in that small moment. It was just everything banding together into this overwhelming weight.
I decided to go walk off the depression (and pick up some yogurt too). I listened to some music while I walked. A song came on from BT called “Simply Being Loved Is More Than Enough”. The walk helped me get past my emotional state, and the song helped put things into perspective.
By the time I got back, I was all better. And I had yogurt. I was ready for the world once again. Bring it on.
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Categories: • Lesbian Love • Personal Insights