Friday, April 25, 2008

Please explain these poop bag instructions to me

Last week I had asked about what I should use for picking up dog poop that would be environmentally friendly yet still convenient. Zoe helpfully suggested Poopbags.com. I checked them out, liked what I saw, and thought they were reasonably priced, so I ordered a sample.

The bags are made of corn or corn husks or something, but they totally feel like soft plastic. They’re not brittle either, so I don’t have to be afraid of it falling apart on me. According to the site, it doesn’t start to biodegrade until after it’s exposed to the environmental factors that cause things to decompose—dampness, soil, bacteria, sunlight, etc. So I can totally throw the dog poop I collect into the greens bin now.  (The city has three trash bins, one for recyclables, one for plant material and other mulchables, and one for everything else.) I feel more responsible already.

The only thing that completely baffles me about these bags are the instructions that are printed on them. First of all, what kind of a moron do you have to be to require instructions on how to use a freaking bag to pick up poop? I’m actually surprised it doesn’t have a warning label telling me not to put it over my head because it’s not a toy. That being said, maybe I am a moron, because I just can’t understand part of it.

It has illustrations and instructions in seven different languages on how to “properly” use this bag.  See for yourself:

(Click image for bigger version)

Step 1 - Put my hand in the bag, okay got it.
Step 2 - Collect the droppings, right, duh.
Step 3 - Push the top through the hole… uh… what?
Step 4 - Pull the tip through the hole… wait, the tip of what? Which part??
Step 5 - The bag is closed… no it isn’t, wait! What is this, oragami??

Okay… so it’s got this round hole punched through the top of the bag. I thought it was like a handle or something. But the intructions say it’s somehow used to tie off the bag. The only way I can get my bag to look like Step 5 is if I do the traditional yet simple granny knot I always tie on all the bags I use for dog shit. I tried stuffing the top corners of the bag through this little hole, and it looked weird. Step three seems to be the crucial point that I’m just not getting, and that diagram is completely unhelpful. I mean look at it… does it not look like he’s opening a bag of chips?

Don’t get me wrong, I still like these bio-bags and will likely order a bunch more. I just don’t like being made fun of by a set of deceptively simple instructions on how to pick up poop. I ask you, does Step 3 make sense in any language?