Thursday, March 02, 2006
My First
So far most of my blog material is more like “Confessions From a Slightly-Off-Her-Rocker Nerd”. Well, here’s a post to stay true to my blog title.
I’ve had exactly one boyfriend in my life, and it wasn’t until college. In high school I never dated. Did I go on one date? ... ... hmm… ... I can’t remember. Well if it was that forgettable then it probably doesn’t count anyway. I was never very social and was never attracted to any boys. Gayness was just never a factor. The only gay person I’d had any exposure to was “Hollywood” from the movie Mannequin. (Love that film!)
Halfway through college two guys in my dorm started asking me out. So I went on a couple dates with both. It’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Date the opposite sex? One was nice but boring. The other was… intriguing. He had this long blonde hair, hated sports, was respectful and polite at all times, sensitive, had this soft air of confidence without being arrogant, and best of all he loved my quirky humor. We became a serious item for about two and a half years.
I decided to break up with him, not because I figured out I was gay yet, but for other reasons. He had way too many hobbies that took his attention away from me. This may sound a little selfish, but then again I am a little selfish. He had forgotten me on numerous occasions. His mind was just on too many other things and I was rarely #1. Okay I had plenty of faults that were driving him crazy too, but let’s not go into that. I decided to break it off with him.
Afterwards I had a lot of time to myself, a lot of introspection, intense feelings, and confusion. Was I really attracted to him in the first place? Or was I just attracted to the thought that someone found me that interesting? I was, after all, quite susceptible to flattery and adoration. (What can I say, I’m vain.) Plus it helped that he was… kinda girly. He did dress up in drag one Halloween and did a girly walk much better than I ever could! Hmm.
Funny how a relationship blooms simply because you didn’t know any better. I had gone through the motions because that’s what “normal” people did. Several months after the breakup I started going through a period of emotional misery. I felt lost and lonely despite having friends. I typed out pages and pages of angst and introspection. And then it slowly began to gel. It wasn’t a sudden insight that clicked. It was more of a gradual realization that I was more comfortable with girls, that I’ve always had feelings for girls. My past actions as a kid finally made sense. Those were crushes, not a longing to be friends. I was a… the word was still foreign to me. Lesbian. It sounded weird on my lips. Lesbian, me? But as weird as it sounded to me, it felt… right.
I sometimes wonder if he thinks I became a lesbian because of him. When I told him (we stayed friends after the breakup) I tried to make it clear that I wasn’t running screaming in the opposite direction from guys. I just finally realized the truth about myself. But you know guys, everything’s about them. He may still think he made me gay. The thought is actually making me giggle because, let’s face it, he was not a manly man.
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Categories: • Lesbian Love • Personal Insights