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Every single day. I wonder, would I be this bull-headedly independent? Would I be more trusting? Would I be less emotionally guarded? Would my brothers be different and would I like them more? My mother harbors an ocean of guilt over the condition of our lives, I hear about it every. single. day.
I used to wonder what type of person I would be like, had my mother lived.
But, I’m pretty okay now. I always keep it in the back of my mind with my own daughters, however.
I know I would’ve been a different person. Without a doubt.
However, I don’t know as I’d change anything, because I don’t know as I’d be as strong now, if I’d grown up in an ideal environment.
I know I would’ve been a very different person. I grew up in a house exactly like yours, and I am the same way. I worry too much about what other people think, I embarrass easily, I don’t think that I’m good enough just the way I am.
Lack of unconditional love will do that to a person.
Now I’m trying to fix it, but it’s really hard to learn to love yourself unconditionally when you didn’t get it as a kid.
Dana, I wonder, too, what it would be like to have life handed to you on a silver platter.
Deborah, my mom feels guilt about it too. Thank goodness I don’t have to hear about it every day, but I know she regrets a lot of things.
Maggie, I would imagine one of the scariest things about being a parent is doing things that your kid will later resent you for.
Adena, I admire strength. I think some people are inherently stronger than others.
Stephanie, I hear ya. It’s been a long road for me. Whenever someone asks me, “Don’t you wish the carefree days of being a kid?” I tell them HELL NO! I would hate to go back to those pitiful angst-ridden years of doubting your own self worth. I’m glad I’m not alone.
I think I overcame a lot...my parents were also cold and distant....and add alcoholics to that mix as well. I ended up being very easy going, fairly social and I smother my kids with attention....heck even Emily...who I refer to as my adopted kid gets smothered as well from me.
My dad was an alcoholic too. Thankfully not a mean one, but it usually meant he was too out of it to be much of a father figure.
You know what’s funny...I constantly think of stuff like that. If I had been raised by totally different people, grew up in a different situation...I wonder what type of person I might have been.
Do I wish I didn’t second guess and over analyze every single thing I do. Do I wish I didn’t feel guilty about everything. Do I wish that I didn’t put everyone else’s feelings and wants before mine,to the detriment of my own. Do I wish that just once my dad would say great job and not well it would have been better if you did it this way. Absolutely! But being raised by some other family would have just screwed me up in different ways. I don’t think any upbringing is perfect.
That’s true Zoe, who knows what other kind of screwed up person I could have become instead.
Donna, life is full of what ifs. I guess the trick is not to dwell on them.
Very good post sweety...I have a wonderful family. But they want me to be the way they want me to be. They in some way make so naive...which I am not. But I think over all I am very happy with the way my mother ALONE raise us all 7 kids. She did a perfect job. No one in the family is into drugs, alcoholic over all we are good people that contribute to our communities and arent a nunsence...so, over all I wouldnt ask for a better enviroment to grow in. I love my family and I never grow tired of having them around. Because their influence is always a positive one!!
my word is “hot”
It’s interesting that you ask that, because, well, I was.
Adopted, that is.
And having met my birth family about six years ago, and still going strong, I can honestly say that the apple DOES NOT fall very far from the tree.
But I can also say that I interited a little from both sides - heredity and environment.
<i>"I am who I am who I am well who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?"</i>
Sometimes when I have nothing better to do, I play the whatif game, but only to exercise the brain.
As far as change anything in my earlier life.
Absolutely NO WAY.
I have had so much fun getting to where I am now, I want it no other way.
The bad stuff is forgotten and the memories are all good stuff.
And No, not British, Orstralienne
Awwww. Well, we love you, Geeky! We don’t mind you being neurotic and defensive. I used to be like that to and then one day, I was just like fuck it. I don’t care anymore.
ah, nature vs. nuture.
i am always fascinated by this.
I will tell you this gdg - you sound like a fun, well adjusted, sweet kid from what i read.
(ooo and my word is ‘kinky’ ooo)
Thank you weese, I’ve always been sweet, but “well adjusted” was something I had to work towards.
T, I’m working on that “not caring” part. Having all these blog admirers is definitely helpful! 
60, I think after I reached college life got to be good. Overall life has been good to me.
Joe, I had to read that four times. I suck at poetry.
J, I agree, heredity and environment both play important factors. I’m terrified of turning into my mom.
Mar, your family is most definitely very loving and close. And you are most definitely HOT! 
Hey GDG,
You know I never would have thought that you were “so self-conscious” or “plagued by inhibitions.” I mean, your blog is neither of these things, nor does it suggest them about you. I guess that’s the ‘inner you, shining through’ (corny as that sounds, sorry). But I like that you’re honest, and don’t let people (like me, who probably don’t know you very well) judge you by your ‘cover’ (your blog). So, nice post!
I guess because I’m still growing up I’ve never really thought about what it might be like growing up in different conditions, somewhere else, with different parents...but I’ve always wondered how my parents managed to raise me and my brother like they did: with patience, with love, with devotion, with care, with firmness...and I thank them for it. I guess however we were raised, the question is, did our parents really have our best intentions at heart? And even if it was hard to tell, I think that’s what we should thank them for.
Word verification is freak. GDG, I’m beginning to wonder if I believe in co-incidences...ha ha ha. As a good (or bad) detective novel might say “there’s no such thing as co-incidences.”
Miss Optimistic, I think my blog projects the me I was meant to be early in life. I’ve only grown into it in the last few years, overcoming insecurities that developed in childhood. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just in my head. But you’re right, my mom had the best of intentions, no matter what the result. And I turned out all right, so I should quit complaining.
I always wondered what it would have been like to be raised in a family with lots of money. Growing up my parents were middle class, not poor, but not rich. If I wanted anything, I had to earn it and work for it. I used to get so mad at that. But I see now what they instilled in me was a work ethic and I’m so glad for that. I think the grass is always greener. My parents showed us they loved us by giving us values, not materials. Funny, huh....
Dana | 06.07.2006 | 11:37 AM