Friday, March 30, 2007

Ugly and uglier

How do you make an ugly Dodge Magnum even uglier? Allow dust to cake onto it in layers, then have the morning dew streak down repeatedly over the course of several weeks so that it stands out against the black paint like cheap sandpaper. How do you make it uglier than that? Mount two massive alien-like antennas onto it, thus ensuring that you will never fit into any commercial car wash.

Unless you’re running a mobile pirate radio station, I cannot see why anyone in a big city would need antennas like this.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Birthday recap

Thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes! After posting that entry yesterday, I never went back online because I was busy fighting evil as a Jedi Knight. Behold my shining beacon of all that is good! *swishing lightsaber noises*

Now to address some of your comments yesterday. I just turned 34. No, not again. 34 is not one of those numbers that people say when lying about their age. Plus I see no point in doing that. Why lie? Age is just a number. It’s how you feel inside that counts. Everyone knows I act like a 12-year-old, and I have no intention of aging my inner child one bit. So nyah.

Thanks to J for finishing my birthday poem. Here it is again, in its newly completed form:

Happy birthday to me!
I belong in a tree!
I act like a monkey!
And I’ll show you for free!

Watch out for the flinging poop! Actually Heather had an even better poem, even if I wasn’t the first recipient:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like your blog
So like happy birthday and stuff.

Zoe made a good point. “Playing with my Xbox” does sound like something else, especially considering the recent discussions on female genetalia. But alas, it really was video games. Jedi Academy to be exact. It was a glorious day, but it felt much too short.  Six hours flew by like it was only two hours. If only work was like that.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I deserve this

Sing with me at the top of your lungs…

Happy birthday to me!
I belong in a tree!
I act like a monkey!
And…

Oh nevermind, I couldn’t come up with a clever finish because I’m just itching to go play video games. I got the day off from work, in my honor of course, and plan to spend most of it with my Xbox. Awww yeaahh… can’t remember the last time I’ve done that. It’s gonna be good. I deserve it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Napa Valley, here we come

After years of not being able to afford one, we are finally going on a mini-vacation! For the longest time my sweety has been talking about wanting to visit Napa Valley. So we’re going next month for a three or four day jaunt. Day one we will be riding a coastal train (her brilliant idea) so we can enjoy the sights and not have to be stuck driving for 10 hours in a box on wheels. (We’ll be in a bigger box on wheels! But at least there’s plenty of room to walk around.)

I’ve never ridden a train before, so it’ll be neat. I’m really hoping I won’t get carsick. I’m okay if I look out the window while the vehicle is moving, but that means I can’t do anything else. Sucks bigtime for long trips. I should probably look into some Dramamine or something, huh? I have movies all set up on the laptop for when the scenery becomes boring.

So I’ve got the reservations for the Coastal Starlight Amtrak train. That part was easy. The hard part is figuring out what to do once we get there, namely where to stay. No clue. There are tons of hotels and bed & breakfasts (which would be fun to try, but still too expensive for us right now). I’m not sure which hotel to pick, if I should reserve in advance, or just pick one once we get there. The problem is, it’s going to be 11pm when the train arrives, and we’ll be at the mercy of public transportation. The train drops us off about 30 minutes away from Napa, in the city of Martinez. Do we stay the night there, or get a ride to Napa and stay there? No idea…

Any of you guys have any Napa Valley advice or tips? Should we rent a car??

Monday, March 26, 2007

Questions Answered 7: Why there are no beauty contests in music

Robin has another curious question for us: Why does anyone find Mick Jagger sexy?  For that matter why do they even like him as a performer at all?

A coworker of mine once said, “The Rolling Stones are some of the ugliest men in America.” I agree. Yack. There’s just nothing appealing at all about a scrawny, screechy voiced man with a face that looks like someone stepped on it as a baby. Are big lips sexy? On Angelina Jolie, yes. On Mick Jagger, hell no. Nevermind that he’s the lead singer of one of the biggest rock bands in history. I don’t care, it doesn’t mean I have to like their music. Some of it may be kinda catchy, I’ll admit. But I hate his voice. HATE. It grates on my ears. There’s not a single bit of singing ability there at all. How they got so famous is beyond me.

Oops, I still haven’t answered the question, have I? Hmm… well some people find fame sexy. Some people like prolific songwriters who never quit their art. They were likely cuter when they were younger, before all the smoking, drugs and alcohol took their toll. And despite the fact that I hate most of their songs, you have to be impressed by a band that has managed to stay together (more or less) and pump out music for over 30 years.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Questions Answered 6: Celebrating female parts

Human genetalia are such a fascinating subject. We now have some idea of why it’s sometimes called a box. Now Leeky wants to know why it’s also called a “hooha”.

To be honest, I’d never heard the term “hooha” until I started blogging. (There’s a good reason behind my blog title!) I rather like it. It’s a made-up word that doesn’t have any negative connotations (that I know of). How did it come about? Hell if I know. My guess is a kid went to his slightly uncomfortable mom and asked what pubic hair was. She, not wanting to ignore her child’s question, did her best to answer, “Well… when you get older you grow hair around your… hoo, ha ha, ah… your private parts.” You know, something like that. It could have come about through various verbal fumblings.

I was curious what the Urban Dictionary had to say about it. It actually has three definitions. The first is obvious. The second was “an exclamation of great happiness.” I like that a lot. It finally gives a positive spin to a slang word for female parts. Hooha that’s what I’m talkin’ about!  As for the third definition… I’m not even going to mention that here. It’s disgusting and I’m trying to eat my cereal. We’ll just leave it at that. HOOHA!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Captain Obvious to the rescue

I drive past this Shell gas station every day on the way to and from work.  One day I noticed it had gone out of business and put a fence up around the property. I thought it was odd since it was a rather major intersection, but oh well, who cares. The following week a large yellow sign was posted explaining, “We are sorry for the inconvenience, this site is now closed.” No shit, really?? I would’ve thought the chain link fence, boarded-up windows and gas pumps ripped out of the ground would have a clear enough message.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Questions Answered 5: You want to sleep with me, right?

Heather B wants to know, “Why do straight women automatically think that all bisexual/lesbian women want to sleep with them?”

My Answer: Although I’ve never encountered this problem myself, I can think of a few reasons why this might happen:

1. The straight woman in question is of a strict moral upbringing and holds every word in the Bible to be truth. From her twisted point of view, anyone who isn’t straight is a pervert who is looking to “convert” others to their depraved way of life. This makes perfect sense to them because they do the same thing, trying to convert everyone around them to their religion. They don’t understand that sexuality is something you are born with, not something you chose to become one day on a whim.

2. She’s actually secretly wondering what it’s like to be with another woman and unconsciously projecting this desire. She thinks there’s sexual signals coming from you when in actuality they’re coming from her.

3. The woman is a self-centered and conceited person. “I’m totally hot, why wouldn’t you want to sleep with me?”

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Finally a decent dragon movie

I finally got a chance to see Eragon last night. I missed it during its run in theaters, but it’s finally out on video. The only other movie where the dragon was a major character was Dragonheart, and I hated the ending to that one. I absolutely loved the dragon’s personality and how they animated him, but the ending ruined everything. There are other dragon movies, like Reign of Fire (Who knew Matthew McConaughey could be so buff? And bald?), but they’re usually the bad guys. Wussup wit dat?

So anyway, back to Eragon. I liked it. It was very predictable and there was nothing original in the plot, but I still enjoyed it. The effects were great, and the dragon… beautiful. A dragon with a sexy/elegant female voice no less.  I read a few reviews by other people and they are being way too harsh. Most of these whiners complained that the book was so much better. I wish these people would shut the fuck up because I have yet to hear about a single movie that is able to capture all the details and nuances a book can produce. Hello, you only have a couple hours, how much detail can you cram in there without putting some audience members to sleep? NEVER expect a movie based on a book to ever be able to compare to the book, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Questions Answered 4: Who's a good boy?

Dave ponders, “Why do some people baby-talk to their pets?”

My Answer: I often wonder the same thing. Some people are much worse than others. “Who’s a good boy? Ohhh that’s you! You’re such a good boy yes you are!” ...all spoken with lips pursed together like you’re about to kiss the animal. It’s quite bizarre. But if you think about it, not really. Many families consider their pets as one of the kids. Since animals can’t talk or otherwise verbalize what they’re thinking (I can’t decide if it would be a good thing if they could) we liken them to babies.

There are lots of similarities between pets and babies. They’re both cute, make inarticulate noises that you can only guess at their meaning, and require us to provide food and attention to them. Some dogs even have diapers, but that’s going a little far. Treating cats and dogs like babies includes the gushing baby-talk. Now the real question is, why do some people feel the need to baby-talk to babies?

Monday, March 19, 2007

Questions Answered 3: Don't like iTunes? Screw it!

Gypsygirl asks, “How do I delete things from my iTunes without deleting them from my iPod?”

A simple yet effective answer was given by Rural Lesbian: “Just turn off auto sync and start manually syncing.” The answer was found at http://www.zolved.com/synapse/view_content/5698.

I personally hate that so many MP3 players require you to install their stupid software in order to transfer files to and from the device. Creative, Apple, Toshiba, Microsoft… they all do this. A coworker at the office complained that he’s not allowed to install iTunes on his machine, so he can’t transfer his stuff there. What a ridiculous problem. This is why I chose Archos as my MP3 player. You just plug it in, the computer recognizes it as an external hard drive, and you just drag and drop files to your heart’s content. Simple and fast, the way it should be.

However I did find a solution for his iPod limitations. There are free programs out there you can put onto your iPod that allow you to transfer files without using iTunes. The one I found for him and the one he’s been using for the past few months is called Sharepod. He likes it a lot. There are other ones out there like Anapod, vPod and Yamipod. These are excellent alternatives if you’re like me and hate to be led by the nose when it comes to using electronics.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Questions Answered 2: Calling all angels

Joe, ever the philosopher, asks, “If a man with wings fell from the sky, hit his head and lost his memory, would you be more likely to think ‘angel of God’ or ‘Angel from X-Men?’”

My Answer: An excellent, thought-provoking question. It would depend on a few things. If the winged man was buff and shirtless, I would definitely think Angel from X-Men.  If, however, the man looked to be at peace despite the big bump on his head, had this holy aura about him, and was dressed white robes or a shiny chestplate, then I would tend to marvel at the angel of God. If he was dressed in a trenchcoat and looked like Nicholas Cage, I would also think, “Ooh an angel of God.” Alternatively, if he was dressed in overalls, smoked like a chimney and looked like John Travolta, I would think, “Um, Michael, is it? What are you doing here? Didn’t you know that movie bombed?” Finally, if the fallen winged man looked really, really pissed, with eyes glowing red and everything, I would definitely go running in the opposite direction while screaming, “Run! Hide! Repent or something! Satan has some competition!”

Friday, March 16, 2007

Questions Answered 1: When a box isn't really a box

As promised, I, who knows all and sees all, will address questions that have been dropped into my Question Box.  Feel free to submit other questions whenever you like!

Robin asked in an email (because her browser was misbehaving too much to submit it as a comment), “Why is a hooha referred to sometimes as a ‘box’?”

My Answer: It is? When? And by whom?? Sorry, didn’t mean to answer a question with more questions. I’m not a psychologist after all.  I’ve actually never heard of this, and can only speculate that, like a box, you can put things into a vagina? But that’s just silly, because why a box? Why not a can or a cereal bowl or a coffee cup? But worry not, just because I live in a cave doesn’t mean I can’t learn things! According to the Urban Dictionary, when “box” is used to refer to female genitalia, it is usually derogatory. Here are some examples given:

1. "Stacy is nice to look at but I heard she has a smelly box.”
2. "The box a penis comes in.”
3. "I’m baking some bread in my box.” (I have a yeast infection.)
4. And my personal favorite, “Honey, have you still got your virginity or only the box it came in?”

Thursday, March 15, 2007

My Own Question Box

Dave had the fantastic idea of opening my own Question Box. Feel free to leave your question in a comment here, or email it to me if you prefer anonymity since the question will be posted for all to see. Unlike my 8th grade health class teacher, every question will be addressed, whether I know the answer or not. There are no limitations… ask about science, social issues, even personal questions are okay. No one will be turned away from my Question Box!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Question Box

Not sure what made me think of this, but I was recalling a health class I had in 7th or 8th grade. There was a week of “sex education” that we had to fill out a parental consent form to participate. I don’t remember much about the teacher, the students, or what they actually taught.

The thing that stands out the most in my mind was the Question Box. The teacher recognized that there were going to be some questions we had about sex, anatomy or whatever, that we were too embarrassed to ask. So we could write these questions down anonymously and deposit it into the Question Box. At the beginning of each class he would read a batch of questions aloud and answer them.

I remember submitting three questions on three separate pieces of paper, none of which were ever read aloud or addressed. I felt cheated. These are the questions I asked:

1. Do animals menstruate? It’s a legitimate question, right? I watched tons of wildlife documentaries on TV and was genuinely curious if animals went through this bizarre monthly bleeding cycle.

2. What is the difference between sex and making love? I’d heard both phrases and had some idea about their similarity, but also knew they were somewhat different. I wasn’t sure yet what those differences were. I’m all about proper semantics.

3. What is the purpose of pubic hair? It’s such a strange place to put hair, y’know? It seemed really useless and weird, much like armpit hair. Everything evolves for a reason, and I wanted to know what the reason for pubic hair was.

Maybe the teacher felt that these were inappropriate questions, or thought someone was just trying to be funny. More likely I just stumped him and he didn’t have a single clue in the world, so he chose to ignore the questions. How disappointing. I would have hoped he would be curious himself. Even if he didn’t know, at least try to make an effort to find out, y’know? Make the question asker not feel invisible and invalid. Make some kind of attempt to recognize the validity of each question, even if just to say, “I’m sorry but I just don’t know. It’s beyond the scope of this class.” I like to think they were rather intelligent, thought-provoking questions, because everything else I was able to learn from the book.

Site Statistics

This page has been viewed 1008198 times
Page rendered in 0.4104 seconds
Total Entries: 642
Total Comments: 5769
Total Trackbacks: 0
Most Recent Entry: 03/23/2011 08:26 am
Most Recent Comment on: 03/26/2011 10:14 am
Total Members: 1
Total Logged in members: 0
Total guests: 6
Total anonymous users: 0
Most Recent Visitor on: 02/06/2012 03:12 pm
The most visitors ever was 781 on 03/02/2007 04:25 am