Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Why I'll never live in Santa Monica

Aside from the fact that you have to be a bazillionaire to afford anything there, here’s another reason I wouldn’t want to be a resident in that lame-ass excuse for a city…

I heard on the radio this morning that Santa Monica’s Big Blue Bus line pulled bus ads for America’s Next Top Model. Apparently people called to complain that it was “too sexy” or racy or something. For god’s sake, it’s a group of young women, not all that scantily clad, posing by a freakin’ waterfall. (You can see the photo and an article about it here.)

These ignorant assholes callers claim that the show is “disrespectful to women”. Have they even watched it? I agree that the modeling industry is, as a whole, ridiculous in its demands for skin and bones. However Tyra disagrees with this image and has been influential in getting normal-looking people into the industry. She even tries to help with the models’ self-image and confidence. How is that disrespectful?

Now if they were banning Janice Dickenson’s show I would be all for it. That freak tells walking twist ties they need to lose weight. Lady, just hire some voodoo witch doctors to re-animate some skeletal corpses and use them as models. That is degrading to women.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I can enjoy the rain again

It rained all last night. I do so love the rain. One of the nice things about having to sell the house was we got to get rid of the leaky roof that we never got a chance to fix. No more having to lay out seven bowls to catch the drips. No more wondering if a new leak is going to spring up while we’re sleeping. I get to enjoy the rain without worry once more.

Monday, February 26, 2007

My quirky new home

When you first enter the house, it seems normal enough. Nice hardwood floors everywhere, nice smooth ceiling (I HATE that popcorn shit that some houses have up there) and a decent sized kitchen. However as you make your way around the house, you start to notice a certain obsession with hooks that the previous residents had…

1. Behind the front door
2. Behind the bathroom door
3. Next to the shower
4. In the kitchen
5. Behind one bedroom door
6. In the other bedroom (don’t you think my sweety has made excellent use of that one?)
7. In the entryway as you walk through the front door

But at least hooks are fairly useful. They may be everywhere, but we don’t mind them. What’s bizarre is when you walk into the living room and notice the transition from wood-floor house to cave.

You can’t really see it, but the rest of the house is very normal looking. The strip of wood you see at the bottom is the dividing line between hardwood floor and that funky concrete floor. This had to have been part of the outside patio at some point. I mean, look at it! Does that weird floor surface belong indoors?? But wait, we’ve got our very own stripper pole now, so that makes it all worth it, right?

Here’s another view:

That couch came with the house. If you look carefully you can see that it’s covering an even weirder recessed area, like steps down to some other part of the yard. There are even cement blocks holding up the rear corners of the couch:

Probably the most annoying part of the whole house is the pile of rocks in the corner:

It’s not just a pile of rocks, there are three metal rods sticking straight up from the cement. WTF? They couldn’t clip them shorter, or even bend them down so as not to provide some kind of weird Mortal Kombat surface for killing people? These rocks aren’t removeable either. Well some of them are, but the rocks along the edges of this… structure… are cemented into place like a campfire ring. It makes this space completely useless.

Which is unacceptable. We have a LOT of crap to stuff into this house. We got rid of a lot of stuff, but we still need every available crevice. That means no wasted corners. We have a space-saving computer desk that would fit perfectly in this corner. But all those rocks and metal rods and shit made it impossible to put any kind of furniture there. It was quite infuriating. However, being the higher-thinking primates that we are, we found a way. Behold the fruits of our ingenuity:

My sweety found a piece of leftover granite slab we had from the remodeling of our ex-house. I took a hammer and banged on the metal rods until they were bent to one side. I adjusted the rocks as best as I could to form a flat, somewhat stable surface. The weight of the granite helped the stability a lot. Cement blocks are all the rage in this house, so of course I had to use one to hold up one corner. Note the clever use of floppy disks to achieve the perfect height.

Very frankensteinish and reminiscent of poor college student days when I used milk crates for shelving. But dammit we were proud of this accomplishment!  The whole room is fairly dim all the time anyway so you can’t really see it well. Bit by bit we are beating this place into submission making this place into our cozy new home.

Friday, February 23, 2007

My turn to be boring

Because I haven’t gotten around to taking pictures of the new place, I’ll have to put off talking about it because there are some WTF things that you need a photo to understand what I’m talking about. So I tagged myself with this meme while I was over at J’s place. She seemed quite confused when I grabbed her hand and tapped my head with it while screaming, “I’m it!"”

A- Available or Single?
Despite all my anit-social tendencies, I am still with my sweetheart.

B- Best Friend?
My sweety is my best friend! (Do I hear a collective “Aaawwwwww”...)

C- Cake or Pie?
I have a soft spot for cream pies of all kinds, otherwise it’s cake (but only if it’s moist).

D- Drink of Choice?
Water. What? Don’t roll your eyes at me! You can drink water with any snack, meal or dessert! Though I do like to indulge in milkshakes now and then.

E- Essential Item?
The little Swiss Army Knife on my keychain. I use that thing almost every day.

F- Favorite Color?
Umm… blue! No… green!  Um… ocean colors?

G- Gummi Bears or Worms?
Chocolate.

H- Hometown?
Does this mean where I was born? Where did I grow up? Or where do I live now? Those are three different things you know.

I- Indulgence?
I was going to say ice cream, but it’s really more of a staple. Let’s see what else… Considering how much I try to avoid trans fats when I can, french fries with ranch dressing have become an indulgence for me.

J- January or February?
Haven’t you looked at the calendar recently? It’s February stupid.

K- Kids and Names?
No, unless dogs count. And yes my sweety and I have names.

L- Life is incomplete without…?
Love and companionship. Oh, and video games.

M- Marriage Date?
Is this a trick question?

N- Number of Siblings?
I have one sister who decided to move to Texas where you can actually buy a house without being a millionaire.

O- Oranges or Apples?
Both!  But not together, okay?

P- Phobias/Fears?
I can’t stand creepy crawlies on my skin or clothing, yet I still won’t kill them. (But I will fling them as far away from me as possible, if necessary.) I respect all living things. Most of the time. Some mosquitos really try my patience.

Q- Favorite Quote?
Uhh… dunno.  I’m not into quoting other people.

R- Reasons to smile?
Rain, and when Big Pest decides to clean his dirty booty on the rug by sitting back on his ass and spinning himself in a circle (instead of dragging it across the rug like most dogs). Funniest thing!

S- Season?
Spring.  It’s warm but not hot, and it’s beautifully rainy.  Some of the time.

T- Tag 3 people?
Pfft, whatever. I don’t see the point.

U- Unknown Fact About Me?
My blood type. Even I don’t know what it is.

V- Vegetable You Hate?
Radicchio is bitter and nasty and does not belong in a salad.

W- Worst Habit?
I tend to leave things wherever I go. Remote controls especially. I’m very scatterbrained, and yet I’m convinced I’ll remember where to find those gloves if I just set them right there for now while I go do that other thing. I’m constantly backtracking and finding the TV remote in the kitchen.

X- Xrays You’ve Had?
My teeth are done most often, but most recently I had X-rays taken of my knees because one was hurting. I found out that my kneecaps were drifing off to either side due to imbalanced muscle strength in my legs. Targeted leg exercises helped remedy that.

Y- Your Favorite Foods?
Ice cream, seafood, bread with butter, banana cream pie, mmmmm....

Z- Zodiac?
I’d rather not watch that movie, thanks. Oh! You mean my sign? I’m an Aries, and an Ox on the Chinese zodiac. Either way I’m horny a horned creature, stubborn to the core. I often find the two signs to be at odds with each other, yet I display the qualities of both. I might do a post on this later.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Big Move

I know you all must have missed me terribly. I was, unfortunately, not captured by aliens for mind probing (or any other kind of probing). That would have been more relaxing. No my friends, this past week was The Big Move. We picked up a couple of hard-working fellows from Home Depot and got all the big things moved across.

As always, the challenge is trying to shoehorn everything you own into a smaller space. More is less. The more shit you have, the less space you have. We’ve gotten rid of a lot of stuff, and now I can’t find the box with my favorite work shoes. I know they’re somewhere. Unless those aliens took them instead of me. Take me!

The house we moved into has some interesting… features.  More on that later.  I gotta catch up on some actual office work.

Friday, February 16, 2007

These Dreams

Remember that Heart song? “These dreams go on when I close my eyes...” Love that song. Anyway, I have a couple of interesting dreams to share with y’all.

The first one I find myself inside my office building, only it’s like right next to the beach. I can see the waves and everything. I’m standing there talking to some coworkers when the building starts to rock slowly back and forth. At first it feels a bit like an earthquake (highrises here are designed to sway and roll with the quakes), then it starts to get worse, like a boat in rough waters. Suddenly the building decides to break off its foundation and roll right into water. I’m magically still standing on the floor, but now the building is floating in the ocean. We all head for the exit and start swimming. While we’re swimming I notice a shadowy humanoid figure swimming powerfully in the water below us, only it has webbed hands and feet. In my mind it’s the Creature from the Black Lagoon. In the ocean. Maybe it’s his beach bum cousin from Malibu. He never surfaces though. Suddenly I’m on the shore already, but miles from where I’m supposed to be. The rest of the dream is just me walking and trying to find my way back.

The other dream is a bit more morbid. I’m sleeping in the same house as my sister (I’m not sure who’s house it is). When I wake up (still in the dream) I find my sister is injecting me with something. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s poison, but I do nothing. I eat breakfast but I start to feel a little woozy. I have a sneaking suspicion she may have poisoned my drink as well. And yet I drink it anyway. Now I’m feeling really weak. We go to my mom’s house, with me feeling weaker and weaker. I know I’m dying. I tell my mom I think my sister poisoned me because she wants to inherit the house. By this point it’s been more than half a day. If I was going to die from two sources of poisoning, I should have already. I still feel weak and faint, but as I make my way to the bathroom, I start feeling like maybe I can kick this poison’s ass. I have the constitution of an ox. Afterwards I plan on kicking my sister’s ass!

So there you go, two entirely different forms of dream-state wackiness. Think we can make movies out of ‘em?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dish vs. Cable

I’m trying to decide whether to go continue using cable for my TV in the new place, or to try the Dish Network.  I’ve never tried satellite TV before, and I’ve heard they’ve made some vast improvements over the years so that reception is no longer a problem. Any of you guys use Dish Network before?

I can also get DVR service for only $6 more, as opposed to the monthly $13 I pay for Tivo service. And this DVR can work on two TVs instead of the Tivo’s one only. Price-wise, Dish seems to be the much better deal. But how’s the quality? Is there interruption of service? Any unadvertised limitations I need to know about? I’m going to research on my own, but I was just wondering if any of you have any opinions either way.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

VD Day?

This morning, one of my coworkers said, “Happy VD Day!” I hope she realizes she just changed the holiday to something completely different. Forget love and devotion, we’re here to celebrate gonorrhea and syphilis y’all! Instead of candy and flowers, we’ll distribute condoms and dental dams.

Dental dams… now there’s something I’ve never actually seen in real life. Do people actually use those? What is it exactly… like wrapping your tongue in saran wrap? Not quite. I Googled it, and found a photo with detailed description here. OMG does it not look like some kind torture device? Something a sicko uses on you before putting a bag over your head and throwing you in the river? Oh wait, that’s the kind used in the dentist’s office. So yeah, it’s a torture device.

But anyway, back to my coworker. Lady, it’s V Day, not VD Day.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

10 Odd Things You Probably Don't Care to Know About Me

Once in a blue moon I’ll get tagged for something. I haven’t played tag since I was in elementary school (I tried to say “since I was ___ years old”, but I didn’t want to sit here and do the math.) I must be getting slow in my advancing years because I got caught by HeatherB. But I never mind blabbering about myself, so I’ll gladly be It and share “ten weird things or habits or little known facts” about myself.

The rest of the rules say I have to choose six people to tag and list their names here. Screw dat. I’m a rebel. I buck tradition. I am a slave to nobody’s rules! (Uh, that and I don’t know if I have six friends.) And now what you’ve all been waiting for…

1. I hate to throw clothes on the floor, even if they’re dirty. They just don’t belong there. I realize dirty clothes don’t really belong on the bed either, but there’s usually a pile there.
2. I hate to put shoes or dirty socks on the bed. Much like the clothes on the floor, they just don’t belong there!
3. I like Milli Vanilli.
4. If something I’m eating falls on the floor, I’ll generally pick it up and eat it anyway. Unless it’s rolled through something I don’t particularly want to eat.
5. When I was single, I ate cereal Every. Single. Morning. and never got tired of it.
6. I hate talking on the phone. It’s some weird anxiety thing over my mouth not being able to keep up with the whizzing pace of my brain. I can talk business on the phone, but chit-chat, hell no. No thank you. HATE telephone chit-chat.
7. I hate small-talk in general. It’s so pointless. “How are you? That’s nice.” What a waste of time. If you wanted to tell me about something, you would. I don’t have to prompt you for it. If you’re going to ask me how I am, be prepared for a full answer! “How are you” does not equal “Hi” in my book.
8. I used to walk around in shorts on cold rainy days. Now I reach for a scarf when it’s 50 degrees.
9. I don’t like rosebushes. They’re thorny, ugly, and the flowers are way overrated. I don’t even like the smell of roses.
10. My sister finds me boring.

Feel free to tag yourself if you want to do this one. I’m too tired to chase ya’ll.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Thank god it's Monday?

Friday evening I spent three hours squatting, crouching and hammering to make yard sale signs and sign stands (they needed to be free-standing since there are no telephone poles around to nail them to).

Saturday was spent scampering around setting up yard sale items, and we still forgot to put some of the stuff out. I have problems sitting still and doing nothing, so instead of sitting my butt in a chair to wait for visitors, I continued rummaging through the house. By the time we put everything away that evening, I was exhausted. I havn’t felt that exhausted since that day I spent 16 hours frolicking in Disneyland as a teenager. My legs were sore, my feet were tired, my back was tired, and I could barely sit up for dinner. I just wanted to keel over and pass out.

Sunday we had a flatbed truck at our disposal so we packed some more, and moved some more boxes and a few large pieces of furniture. Work work and more physical labor.

I have never looked forward to a relaxing day at the office as much as I did today. Thank god it’s Monday.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Big plans and maybe a big storm

We’re planning on having a garage sale tomorrow. Well, it isn’t really in the garage, so it’s really a yard sale. But anyway, we’ve been digging around all week, lugging boxes out of storage, sorting through them, throwing out junk and setting aside the sellable things. We’ve got this monumental pile going on in one corner of the house (I should’ve taken a picture of it!) from all this activity. And now it looks like it’s going to rain all weekend. What the hell? It was fucking 85 degrees last weekend!  I hate it when the whether decides to be all schizophrenic and weird.

I normally love the rain, but not when it gets between me and some extra cash. Next weekend we want to do The Big Move where we physically relocate ourselves into the new place and actually start sleeping there.  I think. Well, I guess we don’t really have to stick to any sort of schedule. The house is still ours until… um, I don’t actually know when. Hmm, maybe I should find out, huh?

Ooh I just had an epiphany that all of you probably already thought of and were about to tell me… we could open up the garage and put all the stuff in there! I know, duh, right? Well it’s only recently been converted back to a garage from being a guest house, so I’m not used to the concept yet. Okay, problem solved. Hopefully the rain won’t scare away the garage sale junkies.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Mmmm battery acid

When you’re unearthing the bowels of your drawers and storage cabinets, you sometimes encounter fossils that require further examination. It’s not because it’s fascinating, valuable or even useful, but it makes you wonder, WTF is this doing here?? Enter exhibit A:

Pardon my lack of up-close photography skills. If you can’t tell, the expiration date for these batteries is 1997. Don’t they normally put the expiration date for these things like 10 years after the manufacturing date? This means I was still in junior high when these batteries were born. 20 year-old-batteries! These things can almost walk into a bar and order a drink! Also, note the corrosive stickiness on one side. Yes, these are definitely historical gems.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Word Association

I rarely do memes because of my inexplicable need to be different from everybody else. However once in a while I’ll encounter one that looks fun to do. I heart word association activities. I have this strange affinity for words, synonyms, definitions, and finding just the right word for fit the meaning. Anyway, I borrowed this meme from Robin:

1. Cigarette: stupid
2. Sex: female
3. Relationship: commitment
4. Ex: see-ya
5. Power: electricity
6. Create: Photoshop
7. Job: Monster.com
8. Food: junk
9. Type: blood
10. Home: URL
11. Care: package
12. Value: 99 Cent Store
13. Eve: Adam
14. Jest: cards
15. Religion: also stupid
16. Thunder: Greased Lightnin’!
17. Fear: Primal
18. Marriage: overrated
19. Back: rub
20. Spark: bonfire
21. Tear: boohoo
22: Trust: bank
23: Boredom: this job
24. Inside: edition
25: Fire: escape
26. Game: Xbox
27: Soft: Microsoft
28: Ice: windshield
29: Hard: boiled egg
30: Because: I said so
31. Wood: fireplace
32. Theme: desktop
33. Love: sweetypie
34. Hate: waste of time
35. Friendship: rare (the real ones are)
36. Money: scarce
37. Heartache: painful
38. Lust: romance novels
39. Time: clock
40. Divorce: whatever

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Moving doth sucketh

Parting with the house may be such sweet sorrow, but moving is a huge pain in the ass. You never realize the sheer volume of CRAP you have until you have to move it all. This past weekend was part one of the move, where we transported the nonessential items across. 

Part two will be next weekend. I’m going to get a couple of days off for it because we’ll need it. This is when we have to deal with all the heavy stuff as well as all the really nonessential crap we have in the storage area. If we’ve done without most of it for two years, maybe we should just toss those boxes without looking inside. We won’t actually do that of course, because there are photo albums and stuff, but we’re definitely going to make ourselves dispense with the unnecessary space-takers. Must. Throw away. The crap!

Friday, February 02, 2007

If it's too good to be true: Job scam

I submitted my resume to Monster.com on the off-chance that someone might find me interesting enough to hire me. My current job, although stable and pays well enough, has evolved into something that consists of a series of tasks interesting only to robots and possibly tax accountants. I like the people, but the work is slowly sucking away my will to live.

Anyway, the emails I’ve received in response to my resume are mostly from recruiters, but I received two very interesting ones that both have the distinct rank stench of a scam. The first one had me fooled. (I’ve changed the first name they used to my alias.)

Dear GDG,
I recently saw your resume online and feel you would be ideal for an immediate opening as a Website Developer with our company. We are TooSpoiled.com, one of the most exciting website launches in the last few years.

GDG , if you are looking for a real opportunity and a real long-term career with an exciting cutting edge company, you may be the person we are looking for.

TooSpoiled.com is a combination of a modeling and acting database and MySpace.com with much more. We offer Models and Actors the opportunity to gain international exposure, interface with the world’s largest entertainment industry network, and make money through advertising.

And, best of all, TooSpoiled allows Talent to earn money instantly. TooSpoiled allows each member to earn money by displaying ads on their portfolio page.

Unlike many other sites in the entertainment industry, TooSpoiled is 100% free for Models and Actors to join.

Our tech department involves working as a team to constantly maintain and upgrade our website. The majority of our programmers/developers work from home maintaining contact by telephone, e-mail, and instant messaging.

We offer our Developers the following:

Highly competitive salary
Bonus plan that can add 25% or more to Base Salary
Medical, Dental, and Vision plan
Expense Account
Paid Vacation
Tuition Reimbursement
Rapid Fast Track Advancement Program

GDG , if you feel the Developer position is right for you, visit the link below and fill out the online application. (If the link does not work in your e-mail you may copy and paste the address in your browser.)

http://www.TooSpoiled.com/Careers/opportunities.cfm?jp=4490824

Once I receive your online application, I will contact you within one to two business days.

Regards,
Bethany Reagan

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? The working from home part is especially compelling. The odd thing was, there were no job descriptions on their website. Their application was merely a form that collected your information. I was suspicious, but didn’t want to lose an opportunity just in case I was just being paranoid.

As they say, if it’s too good to be true… My sneaking suspicion was right. A few days later, I get the following email from some other company:

DearGDG,
I recently saw your resume online and feel you would be ideal for an immediate opening as a Website Developer with our company. We are USAVoice.org, the fastest growing news site on the web right now.

GDG , if you are looking for a real opportunity and a real long-term career with an exciting cutting edge company, you may be the person we are looking for.

The power of the Internet is allowing USA Voice to launch a worldwide news network, focusing on news reported by local reporters in over 1,000 cities worldwide.

Our tech department involves working as a team to constantly maintain and upgrade our website. The majority of our programmers/developers work from home maintaining contact by telephone, e-mail, and instant messaging.

We offer our Developers the following:

Highly competitive salary
Bonus plan that can add 25% or more to Base Salary
Medical, Dental, and Vision plan
Expense Account
Paid Vacation
Tuition Reimbursement
Rapid Fast Track Advancement Program

GDG, if you feel the Developer position is right for you, visit the link below and fill out the online application. (If the link does not work in your e-mail you may copy and paste the address in your browser.)

http://www.usavoice.org/careers?A=4490824

Once I receive your online application, I will contact you within one to two business days.

Regards,
Lauren Piccoli

Looks oddly familiar, doesn’t it? It’s the same freakin’ form letter. And guess what, their “career” page was exactly the same layout too! Same form fields, same unwillingness to divulge details about the actual “jobs”. I don’t know what their deal is, but they sure as hell never contacted me. I’m probably on lots of junk mail lists by now. Fucking scammers and spammers. I hate ‘em all.

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