The life and times of a sheltered little geek who was never really aware of much in the world because her nose was always stuck in books and computers. Then one day she found out she was gay. Oh shit. Why does no one tell me these things?!
Friday, December 29, 2006
I know this is getting tired, but I gotta complain somewhere
More words of wisdom sent out yesterday from the higher-ups:
In celebration of a great year, our offices will close tomorrow, December 29th at 3:00 PM. At the manager’s discretion, employees may leave starting at 1:00 PM as long as the department is staffed until 3:00 PM.
Have a safe and Happy New Year!
“In celebration of a great year?” We work hard for them all year long and as a reward they give us a couple hours off and act like it’s a huge favor? Look around you, half the people are out on vacation. Exactly what volume of work is there that we have to keep our butts in the seats until 3? Why not 2pm like you normally announce? Is one freaking hour going to make that much of a difference in productivity? You know everyone’s going to be goofing around anyway.
I overheard another team talking among themselves. Their manager said something like, “I can’t pick and choose who goes home at 1 and who stays until 3, so you all stay.” What the fuck is that? Let them choose among themselves! We’re not fucking children! Work ethic is one thing, but this is just mean.
Yet another attempt at morale-boosting, botched beyond belief.
Yesterday the company emailed this memo, around 1:30 in the afternoon:
In the spirit of the holiday season peace and good will toward all the Executive Team would like continue with past tradition of casual week through Friday, December 29th. Enjoy the week and we look forward to seeing everyone back here on Tuesday, January 2nd well rested, in good spirits, professionally dressed and ready to kick-off a most engaging and rewarding new year!
Gee, thanks for waiting until Wednesday to tell us this! So basically we get one extra casual day (since Fridays are already casual). Wow, how generous. Why is everything in this place so half-assed this year?? And why do they feel the need to remind us to dress professionally when we come back in January? As if we’re going to be away for a week or something. It’s one freakin’ day off for New Year’s Day. I think I can remember how to dress appropriately for the office.
Last week, as part of the company’s holiday spirit of lameness, they announced there was going to be an inter-departmental decorating contest. My department didn’t bother, others did a pretty decent job. There was one, however, that had the funkiest looking snowflakes I’ve ever seen. Remember in grade school when we learned how to fold paper and cut it out into snowflakes? Well this person obviously failed arts and crafts:
Don’t they look more like amoebas or phytoplankon or something? Here, let us compare…
Couldn’t they at least attempt to make them round? They just look like some sort of creepy crawlies on their file cabinet. I made better looking snowflakes when I was 7 and using stubby, unsharp school scissors.
I was at the grocery store on Christmas eve (no matter how well you plan everything, there’s always something that you forget until the last minute). As I walked past the meat department, I saw what I can only describe as a dinosaur bone:
I can well imagine my little furballs dreaming about this sort of thing appearing under the Christmas tree for them. Dream big, right?
Aside from treating your Great Dane to a snack, what on earth would people be buying a bone this big for??
Remember the arcade game “Dig Dug” from the 80s? It’s the one where you play this guy who digs holes through the ground trying to get all the monsters before they escape. I don’t know what got me thinking about this game, but here’s what I realized: You’re playing this guy wearing a space suit who can magically make tunnels through the dirt wherever he walks. Your goal is to catch up to a monster, impale it with an air hose, and pump it full of air until it explodes. That’s just nasty.
I hope they never decide to make a movie out of it because, eww, I don’t think I could handle the gore. I’m grossed out enough as it is when aliens burst out of someone’s chest. I can’t even watch those scenes, I have to cover my eyes like a five-year-old until the screaming stops.
Anyway, Dig Dug—fun game, terrible movie concept. Thank you.
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The mobile phone today is a matter of culture and not a status symbol anymore. The samsung phones and motorola phones are the good representatives of cell phone industry today. The nokia phones are right on the top because of their quality and user friendly techniques. In the cell phone trees the highest branch is occupied by the nokia phones. The wireless phones using cell phone technology is very much in vogue today. We breathe in a cell phone culture which is as old as ten years.
The company’s sister site in Denver closed their offices today due to a severe snowstorm. They closed early yesterday for the same reason. No fair! We never get snow days to stay home. It’s like getting extra vacation days padded to your schedule. A coworker here was saying we should have smog days. I say if one branch gets to stay home, we should all get to stay home.
You Know You're a Southern California Native When...
I received one of these email humor things yesterday. I normally never forward them because I have this really strong desire to be original instead of parroting what someone else said. But this one struck a cord because, well, I am a native of southern California. I grew up here and love it here. Well, most of it, heh. So I’m going to post this thing, but I’m going to make it my own by addressing each part point by point, because I’ve got my own opinions and by golly you’re gonna hear them!
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF...
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Oh my god, tell me about it. It’s crazy, I’ve been working my ass off, doing lots of website work on the side, and we still can’t keep up. That’s why we’re unloading this money pit and going back to renting.
You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don’t notice.
Well sometimes I notice. It might help if I knew what they looked like. I see more Bentleys than the Rolls.
You don’t know anyone’s phone number unless you check your cell phone.
Hey! I know my sweety’s number by heart. And my mom’s. And… well, that’s about it.
You begin to “lie” to your friends about how close you are when you know that it’ll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).
What? Whatever. I am so not like that. I don’t see the point. I just don’t bother talking to them if I don’t feel like it. I hate liars.
Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about “twenty minutes”.
This used to be true. Now, due to increased traffic and more stoplights, it’s more like half an hour.
You drive to your neighborhood block party. What neighborhood block party? We have no such thing. So we had to drive to someone else’s neighborhood block party.
In the winter, you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
Well, you can go to the beach, but it’ll be cold. It’s not Florida you know.
You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.
A slight exaggeration, but almost true. I love variety.
If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you’re definitely driving.
So???
Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
This is not even a joke. Even to dial someone in my own area I have to dial the area code. It’s annoying.
You know what In-N-Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don’t have any.
Oh come on, it’s a freakin’ burger. Big deal.
You don’t stop at a STOP sign, you do a California roll.
What? Oh come on, don’t tell me this doesn’t happen in any other state. I won’t believe you.
You really can never be too rich or too thin or too tan.
Bullshit. Okay, I agree you can never be too rich, but the others I do not subscribe to.
You’ve partied in Tijuana at least 3 times. You don’t remember any of them.
This statement discriminates against nerds like me who don’t go anywhere, and whose idea of a great party involves paper and dice (and I’m not talking about Yahtzee).
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
I don’t go to either, thank you very much.
You used to Crip Walk and think it was so cool.
What the hell is a Crip Walk?? No, as a matter of fact I’ve never been cool. Shut up.
You eat pineapple on pizza.
But not by choice. It’s disgusting, but it won’t stop me from eating the pizza if someone else ordered it that way.
You think that Venice is a beach.
Well it is!
You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.
Uh, actually no, I don’t.
You call 911 and they put you on hold.
They do! This is not even funny. My sweety’s mom stopped breathing while we were driving her to the hospital. I got to the hospital five minutes later (after driving like a maniac and running red lights) and was still on hold with 911.
The gym is packed at 3pm, on a workday.
Well, I wouldn’t call it packed, but there are always people there.
You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald’s or a Starbucks.
Two miles? Try two blocks.
You know what “SigAlert”, “PCH”, and “The Five” mean.
Oh, I guess they don’t have SigAlerts in other parts of the nation? Never thought about that.
You can’t remember… is pot illegal?
There are worse things for cops to worry about than pot.
It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a “STORM WATCH” report on every news station.
So true, and so sad. I wish it would rain more.
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A dsl connection has the most superb broadband systems. An adsl stands for symmetrical digital subscriber line mostly used for home internet services like downloading music, videos and games. An internet connection has a basic isp to which it connects to while we click to connect. The ip providers provide the internet connection on our computers. Connecting to internet through a cable is another option for the users of the net several cable internet reviews have been written on this service to advertise for it globally.
As I was driving in to work this morning (no, no photos this time) I saw this guy who looked a lot like my brother-in-law. Like a larger version of him. Considering the guy’s lack of exercise and fondness for beer, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was that size now. Anyway, it was the same goatee and wavy hair. I was thinking, “Wow, that’s a pretty amazing likeness.”
Then I looked in the passenger seat and see a girl that looks a little like my sister. I was having a WTF moment because they moved to Texas earlier this year. I would’ve really been wondering if it was them had they been driving around in anything other than an ugly old primer-grey Jeep Cherokee. The man is a car snob and wouldn’t be caught dead driving a heap like that.
Anyway, it was a weird moment. We haven’t lived in the same city since high school. We don’t have a lot in common, including zip codes. Funny thing is, I miss her about as much as I miss my mom… which is not at all. Is that weird?
We did all our Christmas shopping in the same store, in the space of about two hours (20 minutes of which was spent standing in line). Those of you who finished yours early, good for you. Feel free to gloat, because we brought it upon ourselves.
The number of people doing the same thing we were did not surprise me. What did surprise me was the complete and total lack of consideration people had for the store’s property. There was no monkey business or rudeness in the line, but as I walked the aisles of this Ross store, I was amazed at the amount of their inventory that was on the floor. There are always a few items that fall or otherwise make their way to the floor, but the sheer volume of the stuff on the floor bordered on madness.
How hard is it to put things back on their hangers? It takes, what, three seconds? If it doesn’t fit, stick it back on the hanger and hang it somewhere. Anywhere! When you throw stuff on the floor, you disrespect the store, and you disrespect the other patrons who might want that shirt. I mean look at the result of this mass disrespect. It looks like a snowdrift of clothing.
Look at the shelf and look at the floor. Were these people clawing through rugs like senseless madmen? “Lavender rug, must find lavender rug at all costs!” *claw rip shred* It’s a frenzy that borders on “hey look these rugs are ten cents each, grab ‘em!” It’s to the point where you can’t even reach the end of the aisle.
Does this not look like a horde of wild children decided it would be fun to throw all the pillows onto the floor so they could run and do belly flops onto them? Or maybe someone wanted to recreate the posh lounging area of a sultan’s suite? I cannot comprehend why people simply cannot take an extra second to stuff a pillow back onto a shelf rather than dropping it onto the floor. It’s lazy and highly inconsiderate.
People are always amazing me. It’s so unfortunate that the amazement is always for the wrong reasons.
Today the building had its own little “winter social” in the main lobby downstairs. The building owners regularly host various little events for its tenants. I was going to pass on this one considering yesterday’s disappointment, but some coworkers urged me to go take a look because it was quite impressive. More importantly, they had some good grub laid out free for the taking!
So I went. Oh my god what a huge difference from my own company’s sad efforts. Here’s a nice table sumarizing how much of a contrast there was:
Company “Holiday Event"
Building’s Winter Social
Apple juice and soda in plastic litre bottles
Hot apple cider, fresh coffee and 12 different kinds of tea inside large silver dispensers
One store-bought cookie per person, and maybe 12 bites of cheesecake
Endless scones, cucumber tea sandwiches, salmon and lox on crustless rye bread, apple squares, lemon bars and sushi rolls.
Employee volunteers handing out food items in measured portions
Sharply dressed servers carrying silver platters to refill the buffet tables of food
Various employees with more enthusiasm than talent singing Christmas carols
A jazz trio playing live music
People standing around in a tight area wondering what to do and where to go
Various little tables tastefully arranged around the edges of the room for people to gather around and socialize
Am I being a greedy party snob? Absolutely. I wouldn’t make such a big deal over this whole thing if the company had not, over the course of the entire year, emphasized over and over again how important we are to them and how they really do care what we think. They can make this point until they’re blue in the face, but actions as simple as cheesing out on the party budget will always speak louder than any company policy. I despise hypocrites and two-faced smooth-talkers. If the company is poor this year, fine, be up front about it. Don’t feed me all kinds of bullshit to paint a rosy picture, only to pull the rug out from under me. It’s really disappointing and makes me lose faith in the employer I was once so proud of.
Last year’s company Christmas party impressed me. They rented out an entire banquet hall at a Marriott hotel, had an array of buffet tables all over featuring various yummy gourmet foods, and had lots of raffle prizes like ski trips and iPods. This year, I have no idea what happened. Some frickin’ cheapskate must’ve been put in charge, because what they “organized” this year was completely off the charts in lameness.
First of all, there was no space rental. No hotel, not even a stupid lecture room in the building somewhere. They decided to hold it on one of the three floors that the company occupies in this building. It’s full of offices. From what I heard, everyone was crammed into the receptionist lobby and meeting room like emperor penguins in the middle of a blizzard.
Secondly, food was seriously lacking in quality and quantity. My coworkers, who went right when the thing started, said there were about two cookies left when they got there. They were just the cheap holiday cookies you find at the front of any grocery store (and no doubt full of trans fats). They called it the “dessert reception”, which to me means they had volunteers handing out one item per person, but they ran out anyway because sombody couldn’t figure out how many people actually work at this location.
And the cherry on the sundae? They give everyone gift cards to Target… worth $15. Fifteen dollars, wow! Maybe now I can get myself a T-shirt! What the hell? I don’t get it. How does one go from fun, lavish banquet to… this? Bear in mind that this is a global corporation, and one of the top-ranked financial services companies in the WORLD. How is it that there was just no room in the budget for a decent Christmas party this year? Yes we must cut expenses wherever possible, but I doubt robbing employees of their annual celebratory fun is going to help maintain one’s global position in the world of finance.
Don’t say I never get into the Christmas spirit. This morning I woke up with Bing Crosby in my head singing, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… eeeeeeverywhere I go...” It’s a good song and he’s got a smokin’ hot voice, so it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been one of the frightening renditions of “Jingle Bells” that the group in the conference room yesterday was singing (which sounded more like a ragtag bunch of people singing Happy Birthday).
Anyway, I got to thinking, what possessed the man’s mother to name him Bing? Does she really like bing cherries? They are very sweet and tart and and yummy at the same time. I can’t imagine any mom thinking that their baby is yummy, so that’s probably not it. I concluded that she subscribed to the phrase, “one in the oven” during her pregnancy. There must have been a timer to coincide with the time of birth, much like when you set a timer to remind you that the cookies are ready. So when the little tyke was born, BING! It’s ready! And little Bing Crosby was born.
There’s a group of people that just went into the conference room just across the hall from my desk. It was nice when the guy with the guitar was picking out a few tunes. I love guitar music. It was awesome when he busted out with some Eric Clapton. Unfortunately the “meeting” had to start and the whole group started singing Christmas songs. It’s enough that these things take over entire radio stations, do they have to invade my workspace too? What the hell, go practice someplace else. Bah humbug!
It’s that time of the year again. No not the holidays, I’m talking about end of the year employee reviews. Ugh. I wouldn’t care so much if we didn’t have to write the damn things ourselves. Some of you may know what this is like. I have to review the established objectives, evaluate myself on if and how I met them, and rate myself. Good grief. I’m a superstar, okay? I get the work done and I get along with everyone, what more do you want? Why don’t they just use some employee review software and be done with it instead of bothering us with it twice a year? It decreases my productivity don’t you know.
Hey I made another Random Pointless Recording! It makes a correction to a statement I made in the previous one, so have a listen:
On my way to work this morning, as I was waiting at a red light, I glanced to my right and saw the most unique use of those annoying support ribbon stickers yet. Instead of those cheesy flame stickers, they did this instead:
It was, well, kinda cool! Like so far off the cheesy scale it ventured into the cool zone. Or something. At least it was different. When the van turned left I saw that he had the exact same ribbon configuration on the other side. Ya gotta give it to him, the man can put stickers on straight and evenly. It’s a pretty rare skill if you look at all the crooked bumper stickers and window decals.
New posts keep appearing here like magic! Very bad, amateur-night magic. Hey at least admission is free so quit complaining. Ungrateful turds. Huh? Oh! Crap I said that aloud. I uh... I was talking about the turds behind you! More crap about me...
I know this is getting tired, but I gotta complain somewhere
