Friday, February 17, 2006

Things I'll only admit to in a blog

There are some things I’ll never tell another person face to face, except my sweetheart. However I don’t mind sharing them with the world right here!

1. I’m not as geeky as I make myself out to be. The other day I was talking on the phone with a tech support guy who works for our office. We were talking about what a pain it was to have to close the browser and log in again in order to work as a different user. At one point he said, “I hate IE, just change the DOM!” and started laughing. I had no idea what he was talking about, but chuckled anyway. Then he said, “Finally, someone who understands what I’m talking about!” Not really. More fake chuckling on my part.
   
2. Sometimes, in the privacy of my own bathroom stall, I’ll excavate in one nostril to remove that one nose goblin that’s been bugging me all damn day.
   
3. My mom bought my clothes for me all the way through college. She chose most of it because she found it on sale. I was too stingy to care.
   
4. I hate to get my hands wet or dirty. I don’t mind doing dishes as long as I have gloves on. I think it’s a slight OCD thing.
   
5. I’ve become a bit of a health nut as far as food ingredients is concerned (trans fats are evil), but if the label is missing and I’m unsure about something, I’ll eat it anyway. Especially if it’s sweet.
   
6. I’m scared to death of speaking in front of crowds, yet I enjoy being the center of attention in a group.
   
7. If I have, uh, some #2 to take care of, but on the way to the restroom I see one of my coworkers go in ahead of me, I will just keep on walking as if I intended it. I will dawdle for about 20 seconds before heading back in hopes of having the restroom to myself. Even if that person is still there, at least she won’t know who’s dropping the bombs. I don’t mind so much in public restrooms with strangers, but I refuse to run the chance of a coworker thinking, “There goes that stinker… what on earth did she eat?"
   
8. All throughout my junior high years I was embarrassed by my best friend because she was very nerdy. I never realized until high school that I was nerdy too. And it wasn’t until near graduation that I was finally proud of it.
   
9. I have gotten four of those stupid red light camera tickets. I was successfully able to lie my way out of three of them.
   
10. At the office I will drink out of my adult sippy cup (mentioned here) for weeks without rinsing it out. It isn’t until I notice algae growing at the bottom that I will go scrub it out. The scrubber is green when I’m done. My water tastes a tiny bit better afterwards… less like a pond.

Oooh leather!

If I ever had a pair of leather pants I was trying to sell on Ebay, this is exactly how I would do it:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/ebay-trousers-big.htm

Happy Friday and Wonky Weather

Hey it’s Friday already, woohoo! Didn’t this week just fly by really fast? No?? Oh that’s right, I took Monday and Tuesday off, ha! Best way to start the week I tell ya. Okay okay I’ll quit rubbing it in for those who actually worked all week.

This weather has been quite bizarro. Three days ago the temperature was hitting above 80 degrees, and yesterday it never climbed above 60. It’s like Mother Nature decided to remind us what summer was like. “Hey, remember summer? Remember how balmy and nice it was to wear shorts outside? Psych! Well it’s still winter! Fool! Now get back in the house and put something decent on!”

Ooh my sweetheart just called me and asked me out on a date. Rrowwrr hell yeah! We’re going to Claim Jumper tonight! Where the food is yummy and the portions are insanely huge. I fear for the people who actually finish their meal without sharing. Since taking on a staggering mortgage last year our outings have been significantly reduced, so any outing we have just the two of us are really exciting to me. (BTW we’ve been together for about seven years… is that right? Oh no, math… okay, I can do this. Um… 2006 minus 1999… Hey look, it’s Elvis! *breaks out the calculator and then puts it away* I was right! It’ll be seven years come September!)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Self-absorbed, but probably not conceited

I don’t know if this is normal for those who enjoy writing, but I really love going back and reading what I’ve written. No, I mean I really like it. When I’m proofreading I might go over something like five times at least, to make sure it sounds just like how I want it. But it’s not just that. I often rediscover things I scribbled out years ago, somewhat fascinated that I had written it. Often I read my posts from just a few days ago and still find it quite entertaining. I’m like my biggest fan.

Is that weird? It makes me feel conceited. Do you remember that movie Someone Like You with Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman? Her first boyfriend in the movie was played by… whats-his-name… aww crap let me Google it… That’s what it was! Greg Kinnear, he’s so forgettable, why is that? But anyway, his character is a writer, completely self-absorbed and in love with his typwriters as well as himself. Someone is quoting some part of an article he wrote and he mouths the words as they read, having memorized everything. I know I’m not that bad, but sometimes it feels like I am a little bit.

I do re-read some of the books I own, but only after I’ve forgotten most of the plot. My stuff I could re-read almost endlessly. But I guess it’s a good thing I don’t get sick of myself. That would be awkward. How could you keep writing if you get sick of yourself? “Oh no, there I go again, writing more of that insipid shit again...” Would make for some interesting internal dialog, don’t you think?

Me 1: I feel like writing some more of my thoughts down.
Me 2: Aw crap, not again.
Me1: What? I have a lot of thoughts!
Me 2: Can’t you just have them and then move on like everybody else? Do you have to write about every little thing?
Me 1: It helps me think.
Me 2: Think? Think?! You spend so much time thinking it’s giving me a headache!
Me 1: Then let me write it down and then we can go play video games, how about that?
Me 2: Okay. But make it quick.

Maybe I’m just weird.

Tired of backups?

I almost forgot to mention this, but on my way home from Ikea the other day I saw this billboard. It was all black and in bold white letters it said “Tired of backups?”

I didn’t understand what this thing was trying to advertise. If you drive for a living you might think it’s talking about three-point turns or something. Or if you’re a nerd like me you’ll think it’s talking about tape drives and backing up data. It wasn’t until I looked in the bottom right corner that I saw the tiny “Kohler” logo. Good thing I wasn’t driving, I would never have seen it. So it was talking about toilets I guess? What a stupid ad.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My template is ho-hum but I'm okay!

At long last my day of reckoning has come. (I reckon I should blog about it!) Awhile back (I would tell you when, but I, uh, don’t remember. I’ve been having too much fun.) I submitted my site to IT2M. They who are the end all and be all of snarky, humiliating and downright irate blog reviews have deemed me worthy. This is huge because these people can make onions cry.

I’m no graphics wizard, nor am I even a design wizard. My main goal in template tweaking was to wean it off the default Blogger template a little, which I did. I figured as long as it wasn’t annoying, it was good. I’m annoying enough as it is, my template didn’t need to be. Though if people really miss that kinda thing I can probably get Kentucky Girl to whip up a few blinkies for fun.

But really, who gives a crap about my template anyway? I just wasted an entire paragraph on it when what people seemed to enjoy most was the content. Somehow pouring my scattered thoughts into a blog made everything make more sense. I don’t think I really know what the hell I’m talking about until it reaches my fingers.

But despite my propensity for stating the obvious and being slightly wacky and oblivious, I seem to have done good. Good enough for 15 smacks yo! My jaw is sore from all the smacking. Or was it my ass? On your birthday you get spanked, so I guess these smacks are on the face. I dunno. Whatever. I’d better quit while I’m ahead.

Any excuse to be vulgar

Don’t you love it when you have to wear a bandage on your middle finger? You get to inadvertantly flip people off while showing them your ouchie. Heehee! Really, it doesn’t take much to amuse me.

(...and I’m how old?)

Some assembly required

There was an episode of The L Word where Bette opens this gigantic box and stares at all the parts she has to assemble and grumbles, “Times like this I wish I weren’t a lesbian.” That really annoyed me. What the hell was she talking about? She was implying that women were helpless regardless of whether they were lesbian or not. Was she actually wanting a man around to do the task? Men are good at strong-arming things and not much else. Okay okay I don’t really believe that. Much.

Anyway, my response to the show was, “She’s only saying that because I’m not there!” I love putting things together. Some people dread going to Ikea because most of their furniture is flat-packed and require a lot of assembly. At the checkout I’ve seen little displays of business cards of folks who will assemble your furniture for a fee. Is it really that hard? If you have a screwdriver and a brain, you can do it. Hell you don’t even have to be literate, that’s how simple their instructions are. It’s like a giant puzzle you have to solve.

However I think I’m taking it for granted that I find these kinds of things fun. I’m also good at reading maps. They must be related. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not that good. I sometimes have leftover pieces and am left wondering where they were supposed to go. But if I poke at the finished product and it does’t fall to pieces, then it’s good enough for me, hee!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

My Inner Beavis and Butthead

I was sitting here catching up with blog reading again while someone else was watching some pre-olympic news show. They were talking about someone named “Jacqueline Bootier” and you know what my first reaction was?

"Uh-huh-huh.... he said booty..."

On Valentine's Day

I’ll be blunt. Valentine’s Day is stupid. And this is not coming from a bitter, dried up spinster. I am happily in a relationship with a loving woman. I just don’t like the thought that all couples are being made to feel obligated to do something romantic on this day. You should be thinking these things every day. All Valentine’s Day succeeds in doing is making restaurants crowded and filling grocery stores with annoying pink and red things. Don’t wait until February to plan that romantic rendezvous, do it sooner! Do it later! Do it sooner and later! Valentine’s Day is just a big commercial blitz like Christmas.

*ahem*
That being said, here’s what we did, heehee! We played hooky these last couple days (our respective bosses think we’ve got something bad) and have been spending the days hanging out, lazing with movie rentals, and making out at random intervals. We made some time to wash a few dishes, but for the most part it was just lots and lots of alone time that we love. Today we visited a dog pound just to see. It was our first time there (our past dogs were all given to us by others). So many different personalities and temperaments. Some of them were actually nuzzling the fence just to get closer, it was very sweet.

We seriously thought about taking one home with us. However upon inquiring about her we were warned that the previous owner took it to the pound because it loved to destroy things outdoors. Oh hell no. Everything is finally perfect the way we want it after months and months of work. So nevermind. We’re sticking with two. They’re a handful already anyway.

As perfect as these last few days have been, it wasn’t because it was Valentine’s Day. That was just the excuse. We’ve done this before on several occasions (which is why our bosses and coworkers will never know about this blog!) and it’s lovely every time. My point is, don’t wait folks. Do it when you feel like it!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Screaming with Celebrities

We’ve got a guest who came over for a visit tonight. I turned on the TV for his son to watch while they chatted. Unfortunately we don’t have cable, so he decided “Skating with Celebrities” was the best thing on at the time. Poor guy.

I don’t know, mabye it’s not a bad show, I’ve never watched it. To be honest the only reason we didn’t Tivo the first airing of it was because it coincided with some other show we preferred. So I’m ignoring it as best as I can while I catch up on my blog reading. What I’m noticing (despite my efforts to ignore) is all the hooting and hollering going on. I have never watched a single ice skating event where the audience did anything but appreciative clapping. This show is as obnoxious and noisy as American Idol. They must have prerequisites for audience members:

• Must be under 20 years old
  
• Must be able to do that loud, annoying whistling thing with your fingers
• Must be exciteable enough to find ice skating worth screaming about
  
• Must be able to maintain screaming activity for at least an hour

Did I miss anything?

Bigger and Better

As Little Brat is winding down towards the end of her heat cycle, she seems to be aiming for bigger and better things. Well, I don’t know about better, but definitely bigger. The neighbor’s dog wandered over for a visit yesterday. I think it’s a golden retriever or something. Whatever it is, it’s pretty old. I always thought it was a female since I thought I heard them refer to her as “old girl” a lot. We happened to have our gate open so the dog (I always forget its name) comes in. Not too long ago both my little ones would launch into a barking frenzy at any intruder, but not this day. Little Brat, recognizing “new blood”, immediately started her little “fuck me” dance. Here’s her in action:

It never registered in her little fevered brain that, should this dog become interested, any attempt to mount her would completely flatten her. I mean look, she could walk under that dog! That didn’t matter to her at all. She went ahead and waved her butt around anyway.

And her little dance worked. Here you can see exactly what the big dog is focused on:

Notice how Big Pest (he’s the brown one) is being ignored and isn’t quite sure what to do about it. Poor guy. Here all along he thought it was all about him.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

What does it mean when...

What does it mean when your refrigerator is making buzzing, grinding noises and no longer keeps ice cream frozen?

Why… that’s right! Time to go to Baskin Robbins!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The things you find in a car wash mini-mart

I just got back from the car wash, aren’t I efficient? My car is so happy. I felt so guilty for neglecting it so long I gave it the “Diamond Package”.

A lot of these car washes have little mini-marts in them where they sell things like air fresheners and greeting cards. (They usually have a decent selection to choose from too.) This one in particular, I just have to tell you about. First thing I noticed was a little rack of cassette tapes. Casette tapes. Not a single CD in sight. Perplexed, I examined the titles. They varied from “Coors Country” to “Here Comes the Bride”. WTF? Can you imagine any bride-to-be walking in there, paying for her car wash, then exclaiming, “Oh gosh! Look! I haven’t been able to decide on what kind of music to play at my wedding, but they’ve got just what I need right here! What an amazing find! And how did they know the venue I chose has no CD player? This tape is perfect!"

Over in the other corner was a freezer. I took a peek inside because I love ice cream. It was completely empty except for five Big Sticks and an ice cream cup. They all had that frosted-over look of having been melted and refrozen several times.

In another corner were a couple of arcade games—Ms. PacMan and Zaxxon. Wow, the units themselves looked like they were built in the 80s. A sign above told patrons to “Play at your own risk” and I noticed one of the coin slots was taped over. Quarter eater.

There was also a rack of el-cheapo sunglasses with ultra-cool names like XLoop, Adrenalin and Choppers. Lots of mirror shades in various colors, all for $9.99! Don’t laugh, I actually bought a pair of these. I find that the cheapy sunglasses are usually more comfortable than their expensive counterparts. Factor that in with the fact that I like to sit on them, and you’ll understand why I buy them.

To complete this mini-mart scene are two interesting machines: a “Palm Reader” and a “How Loveable Are You” machine. You might as well stick a thermometer up your ass and get a reading, that’s how useful these things are.

Anyway, my car is clean and happy now. Time to eat breakfast!

I feel so dirty

At what point does the dirt buildup on your car become… I don’t know, toxic? Or paint-eating? It’s been months since I’ve washed it. A couple of rainy days has helped to get the top layer of dirt off, but really the only thing that’s accomplished is giving me another excuse not to wash it.

Every time I try washing it myself—you know going out there with a bucket and a sponge—I remind myself afterwards why I usually take it to a car wash. It’s annoying and I don’t enjoy getting wet. At the car wash I won’t get wet, but I still have to sit on an uncomfortable hard bench, with strangers, and wait an hour. If I bring a book it’s not so bad (but still uncomfortable).

My sweetheart tells me I need to be a hardass with the people who are wiping off the insides. I need to remind them to clean the cupholders and point out what they missed on the dash. However I have a hard time doing this because a) I don’t enjoy being a hardass to another person; b) I would hate to have some bitch hovering over my shoulder as I worked, so I don’t do it; and c) I hate talking to strangers. So I stay on the bench until they wave their little rag.

Boring post, I know. I’m thinking about all the crap I’ve been putting off in past weekends. I need to do laundry. Don’t ask me how long it’s been since I changed the sheets, I won’t remember. I feel like a disgusting bachelor or something.

Time to do some chores! Wanna come over and help?

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