Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Good, The Bad, and Food Not Fit for Human Consumption

We chose to drive a little farther to the theater with fewer high school brats in it, plus we went to the 5:30 showing of the movie, so there were hardly any brats at all. Our original plan was to go to a restaurant (like you would with most dates) and then to the movie. But we decided to sacrifice food quality to go see an ealier showing, and then sneak into another movie for a double feature.

You probably already know this, but movie theater food is awful. I mean, how much can you expect from pretzels and popcorn, but this particular theater was just gross. My hot dog was burned on one side, the bun was stale, the relish smelled vaguely of chemicals, the popcorn had hardly any flavor and was also somewhat stale. They were also selling, for SIX friggin dollars, a tiny box of nachos with tiny cup of cheese. Talk about your rip-offs! I’ll bet the chips would have been stale too.

Okay so eating movie theater food was a mistake, but we got our double feature! The main attraction was, of course, Underworld: Evolution. I loved it. Kate Beckinsale is hot in this. I won’t go into details, but you can read my full movie review here. My “reviews” tend to be more like rants with lots of plot spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it yet, wait until after you do before reading.

After this awesome movie ended it was only 7:30, so we snuck into Rumor Has It, starring Jennifer Anniston and Mark Ruffalo. We like them both and thought maybe it was a romantic comedy. (We love those.) Well it wasn’t. It’s one of those “finding out who you are” kind of movies. The acting is very good and Shirly McClain provides the best comedy in the film. Overall it was okay. It wasn’t terrible, but I would never have paid money to watch it. At least we got to hold hands and cuddle up to each other a little longer.

Well, the cuddling would have been nicer if the seats weren’t so uncomfortable! Who designed these things anyway? They curve all wrong so you back is never comfortable. When you lean back your head is pushed forward by the stupid headrest. And they weren’t very soft either. I had to keep shifting and leaning in different directions to get from getting sore. They wouldn’t even lean back at all, which would have been helpful. Who sits so damn upright when watching a movie in a theater anyway? Are they afraid of people falling asleep or what?

When we got out of that it was about 9:50. We thought about sneaking in to see something else, but to tell you the truth we were sleepy. One of the downfalls of having an early schedule is you get sleepy early. So, like an old couple, we scampered home just as the piles of kids were starting to show up. Overall it was a very nice evening. Except for the food. And the seats designed for people with no spines.

Friday, January 20, 2006

I've got a date!

I’m so excited, I have a date tonight! It’s been ages since I’ve been to the movie theater. Like ice ages. Your social life is one of the first things sacrificed when you take on an elephantine, bank account rending, holy-shit-that-thing-is-due-again mortage for the first time. Restaurants and movie theaters turn into grilled cheese and cable. Actually, I don’t have cable. It’s frickin expensive! $50 a month and that doesn’t even include HBO? (Actually, given a choice, I would pick Showtime, no question.) Sometimes we splurge and rent a video.

But anyway, back to my date! I won two movie tickets at work and we’ve been waiting for a movie worth using them on. My sweetie says Underworld Evolution is coming out today, so we’re going! You just gotta love watching girls kick ass.

Casual Friday

The creative director in my department has on a T-shirt today that says,

Is she awesome or what?
I wish I was that cool.

Lip-smacking good

When I first start reading a new blog, I like to go back to their humble beginnings and read their first several posts to get a feel for their personality. Then it’s interesting to see how their posts change over time. At first when I read about OneLazyLesbian’s longing for a smack, I was confused. What the hell was she talking about? Was she longing for an abusive relationship? Then I clicked on the link that explained everything.

Like an old fluorescent light that just flickered on in my mind, it all made sense. As I read one harsh blog review after another, I was fascinated. These ladies are irreverent, brutally honest and funny as hell. (Funny expression that is… is hell really all that funny? Isn’t it full of really bad comedians?) Their wits are so biting they could make a grown man cry… I love it!

I want to be a part of it! It really makes me want to strive to get smacked as well. Which means I have to spruce up my template a little. I want to get smacked by them, not bitch-slapped. I have some work to do!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I'm sorry I don't have a bubble butt

My sweetie has been complaining that I’m losing too much weight. Now, I haven’t been doing this on purpose. She’s accusing me like I’ve been dieting or something. She says I don’t eat ice cream anymore. I still do, I just haven’t felt like eating it much lately because it’s so damn COLD! She says I used to have a nice ass, and now it’s flabby and mushy due to less cushioning. Well thank you, I love you too.

I’m not expecting sympathy from all this. I know there tons of people out there who are struggling with their weight, and people like me probably make them sick. I’ve been blessed with a fast metabolism, but I believe my weight loss has been due to the following life changes:

• I cut out ALL trans fats from my diet. That stuff is nasty and unnatural. VERY bad for your long-term health.
• I have been balancing my carbs with my protein. I’ll go into this later as well. It’s something we learned while researching insulin resistance.
• I have been attempting to do more walking, for optimal health

One of my greatest fears in life is becoming old and decrepit. There’s no avoiding the “old” part, but I can circumvent the “decrepit” part. I am completely determined to still be able to walk around on my own when I’m 104 years old. My dad cut his life short with cigarettes and alcohol. My sweetie’s mom suffered from Type II diabetes (completely avoidable), which gradually eats away at your quality of life. I have seen numerous elderly men and women barely able to shuffle one foot in front of the other, stooped over and in obvious discomfort. I refuse to become one of them. I have read that when you are at optimal health, even in old age you will be able to function like a normal human being. When it’s your time to go, your decline in health will be quick, not the slow, agonizing degeneration that I see everywhere.

Can you see where my paranoia and commitment to health comes from? I am scared to death of losing self-reliance. So if it means losing my near-perfect ass, then that’s the way it has to be. It’s going to disappear anyway. Maybe I can get one of those fake butt inserts to put into my pants. In the meantime, me and my flabby, mushy ass are getting back to work.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

How do you say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?

A coworker and I were talking about my past housewarming party. Of all the people who said they would show, only half actually did. I learned that this seems to be a west coast phenomenon, that no one likes to decline an invitation to your face, so they just use passive aggression and don’t bother showing up. I grew up on the west coast here, and I think that’s just rude. If you aren’t planning to go, don’t say you are! And if you can’t go after accepting, there’s this thing called a telephone—tell me! It’s not impolite to say “no I’m not going”. How hard is it to say that?

Anyway, she then cracks the following joke:

How do you say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
"I’ll meet you there!"

It’s so true! I love L.A. and yet I hate it sometimes!


Whoops.... did I just give away my location?

What a rip-off

The corporation I work for likes to take care of its employees (or at least give an impression that it does). From time to time they’ll have special programs or activities for us to participate in. The last one they had was health and fitness related, called “10K a Day”. The premise was that, in order to maintain optimal health, you needed to walked about 10,000 steps a day. For a nominal fee of $5 they were going to provide participants with a pedometer, a tracking spreadsheet, inspiring articles and incentive prizes.

I thought to myself, “That seems like a good deal. I’ll get a pedometer (to measure our steps) and some prizes too. Oh and some exercise as well.” So I sent in my five bucks to the third party company that is running it. The program starts and I find out that, of the 300 employees that work in my building, only 5 are participating. Perhaps that should have been a warning to me. I also find out that we are supposed to self-monitor ourselves and write down how many steps we take every day. Right, like that’s going to happen.

The basic pedometer we recieve is totally cheap. I saw pedometers on Amazon.com with more features for only $2.50. The first few days I write down the numbers. After that I’m just making them up. They don’t care. I get a prize for turning in my spreadsheet at the halfway point and at the end. Well the halfway point comes and goes and there are no prizes. *grumble* Fine. We’ll get them at the end. The articles they send are useless common sense that anybody could have come up with. There is nothing inspirational or helpful about them.

Finally the program ends and I turn in my final spreadsheet. Weeks later the receptionist buzzes me and tells me to come pick up my prize for participating. Finally! I love prizes and gifts, even if I did pay for it myself. I go over to her desk and she hands me this hand towel. No, not even a hand towel, it’s smaller, like a face towel. It has “10K a Day” printed on it. WTF? All that effort and their idea of “prizes” (and yes, they did pluralize it) is a frickin face towel??

What a scam. Yes I missed the whole point of the program, but I was already going for walks. I thought it was a company-subsidized program with cool prizes (the other activities they sponsored included prizes like $25 gift certificates and movie tickets and stuff). Little did I know it was actually a money-making ploy by the third party company. Stupid me. Lesson learned: steer clear of programs that require an entry fee!

(Oh yeah, you know what I did with that stupid little towel? I immediately used it to scrub off that yogurt stain that’s been on my office chair for the past several months. It now sits carelessly discarded in one corner of my desk, having served its purpose in life.)

Cold Feet, Warm Heart

Or is that “Cold hands, warm heart?” I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s more like “Cold hands, cold feet” when adapted to me. Does it mean you have poor circulation when your extremities turn into popsicles when the temperature drops? I had just gone to bed last night and my hands and feet were freezing. After laying there 15 minutes my hands were warmed up since I was able to hold them against my body, but my feet were still icy.

I could have worn socks, but they usually end up lost under the blankets somewhere. Plus my feet have this annoying tendency to overheat once they do get warmed up. Weird huh? Anyway, my predicament was solved when I jammed my feet under the pile of clothes at the corner of my bed. Within five minutes they were warm. I knew there was a reason why I maintained that rotating pile of clothing there! Next time my sweetie complains about it I’ll tell her how they saved my feet from frostbite. (She’ll just tell me to wear socks next time.)

So how does one improve their circulation anyway? Well exercising is one, but that’s not very convenient. Oh well, I’ll just continue to wear my gloves at the office. (Why do they keep it so damn cold?) I’ve been told that they make me look like a thug since they’re black with no fingers. Maybe I’ll start busting some skulls around here in a quest to find the thermostat!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Attempting to get focused

Ever see the movie Swordfish? John Travolta, Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry are all really good in this. There’s a scene in there that often comes to mind when I’m at work and I can’t get myself to focus on my duties. It’s where Travolta orders Jackman to hack into a network in under a minute… while receiving a blowjob. At one point you can tell he can’t concentrate, so he claps his hands together and closes his eyes in an attempt to focus.

I’m easily distracted, so it won’t take much for me to lose my focus. Lucky for me there’s no one here trying to go down on me at the office (some of you may disagree, but believe me it would NOT be good for the home life). I know I’ve already established I wouldn’t feel guilty for blogging during office hours. That’s not the problem. The problem is one of my team has had the nerve to go on a week-long vacation, so the rest of us have to pick up the slack. So it’s more work to be done in the same amount of time, and here I am still thinking about blog material.

So anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Time for me to clap my hands together, plug myself into some trance music and focus on getting a little work done.  As soon as I finish coughing up the water I just tried to inhale.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Party-time Behavior

The birthday party yesterday was okay. In crowded social settings like this my innate anti-social nature tends to sneak out and take over. I’m perfectly content to sit in the corner and observe everyone else. As with all parties, my favorite part was the food. It was quite tasty, including the mashed potatoes we brought (which I didn’t have to carry by the way). Not only does the food at parties calm my inner pig, it also makes it socially acceptable for me not to speak.

Now, on to a peeve of mine. We were told that the party was to start at 3pm. For this family (and I believe all of my sweetie’s family is like this) it means that the party is really going to start at 4pm. For a particular branch of the family this will mean 5pm. What time did WE get there? Well, normally it would have been at 4, but yesterday it was… 6! Oh how embarrassing and rude we were the last people to show up, three hours late.

I’m an on-time kind of gal. I try, and usually succeed, at being there at the designated time, give or take 10 minutes. My first peeve is how everyone is always late, to the point where organizers have to set an earlier time in order to start when they really want. But the bigger peeve is how my sweetie consistently makes me late all the time. Pardon me while I look over my shoulder...

Okay she’s not looking, allow me to continue. In my mind I used to figure that an on-time person, when mixed with a late person, would combine to form a slightly-late couple. Not true. Apparently you cannot rush beauty, and me trying to convince her that she’s already beautiful never works. Even though what I say is true (she really is beautiful) it doesn’t matter. Perfection must be achieved before entering the Real World.

Uh oh, here she comes… What? What do you mean it was my fault we were late yesterday? I was waiting for you! Oh I see. Okay, I guess it was my fault. I should have been getting dressed instead of playing video games. Yes I know you had to wait for me to get dressed, I forgot I had my grubbies on (but I’ll have you know I was saving the world). I apologize for making you wait the five whole minutes it took me to change into nicer clothes. Are we good now? Hey, where are you going? Uh oh, um, I’ll be right back.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Joys of Costco (and the not-so-joyful)

I went to Costco today because my sweetie needed a giant bag of potatoes in order to make a giant tub of mashed potatoes for a nephew’s birthday party we are going to. Costco is a popular place, evidenced by the crowds that throng to it on the weekends. There’s a lot to like about this place… as well as a lot of annoyances.

Likes

• Nice wide parking spots in their expansive lot
• Nice big shopping carts that handle well for their size
• Lots of free samples of their various food products
• Their cafeteria has this amazing ice cream bar—hand dipped and rolled in almonds—Mmmmmmm...
• Something for everyone to enjoy browsing—I can stare wistfully at electronics while my sweetheart drools over jewelry
• Their awesome return policy—I once returned some blank CDs, a third of which were already gone, the label had fallen off, and the cylindrical case was missing!

Dislikes

• Why do you need to show your stupid membership card when you can’t by a single thing without giving it to the cashier?
• They only credit card they accept is American Express
• The flocks of human vultures that circle the free food samples
• The endless crowds that flow through its doors, half of which think parking their cart in the middle of the aisle is a good thing
• When they run out of one of their regular items and I just think they moved it so I circle the aisles three times looking for it, thus tripling the time it takes for me to get out of there
• Their business hours aren’t as long as I would like

As a side-note, I did a nice thing at Costco today. Minor, but I believe in being nice whenever the opportunity presents itself, no matter how insignificant. After paying for my potatoes the lady asked me if I would need my cart. I looked at my 20-pound bag of spuds. Well that’s inconvenient, they normally don’t ask that. So I figured they needed it for something. Ok, I can handle this without a cart, let them have it. She proceeded to take the cart and string one of those “This Lane is Closed” wires through it to block the way. I guess walking out the exit and getting a cart from outside was too much trouble. Apparently it was much better to inconvenience a customer instead. But that’s ok, I volunteered, I was giving them a break.

They put my potatoes and butter into a box and I carry it away. So here I am with 20 pounds of potatoes plus 4 pounds of butter. 24 pounds doesn’t sound like much at all, or so I thought. I had parked aaaaaaall the way on the opposite end of the lot because it was really crowded and walking was good for me. So I lugged my 24 pounds of future mashed taters across the lot to my car. By the time I get there my arms are in pain. And I am greatly dismayed. Carrying 24 pounds across a Costco parking lot should not have affected me like that. I am terribly out of shape. I need to start exercising again. Wish me luck.

Lovely Lady Lumps?

There’s this song that plays a lot on the radio. It’s pretty catchy and I do like some hip hop songs. I usually hear it in my car because it’s the only place I listen to the radio anymore. When I hear a catchy song I like I usually bounce around in my car a little. It’s marginally better than my dancing skills. I dance like a 7th grader. Actually there are probably quite a few 7th graders who would be offended by that statement.

ANWAY, so I’m bouncing to this song and I finally decide to actually listen to the words. The main chorus line is something like:

My hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps

I can’t quite describe my facial expression when I heard that. Probably a cross between perplexity and “Did she really say ‘lovely lady lumps’??” So I started listening more intently, trying to figure out exactly what this song is about. I never did figure out the entire thing.  Something about getting the guy to spend lots of money on her because of her intoxicating tatas. Weird. I think I liked it better when I had no idea what it was about.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Beavis and Butthead Moments

Otherwise known as brain farts. I figure I’m already on the subject of obnoxious gas from a dog, why stop there? I’m still at the office (having determined that it was the ideal place for me to blog). I just had a really productive streak. I got tons of work done in the space of an hour. I was relentless. It was cool.

And then it was time to start the next big project. I stared at my computer screen for several seconds. I saw the emailed instructions and the browser with the website in it, but nothing was clicking. Not even my mouse. I was literally sitting there, mouth agape, making that “Uhhhh...” noise when you are at a complete loss. It’s what I like to call a Beavis and Butthead moment. I think I heard one of them in the background, snickering at me. “Shut up Beavis!"

Speaking of which, I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or not, but I actually enjoyed watching those two numbskulls. In college, there was once a Beavis and Butthead marathon on MTV—4 solid hours of quality programming—and I was glued to it like they were announcing lottery numbers. I think my IQ dropped a few points, but damn was it entertaining.

Does your dog do this?

One of my two chihuahuas (yes they are very yappy. They are also very happy. They are happy and yappy.) has a peculiar habit. Before I describe his little habit, let me give you a little background. Like any dog, he gets gas. And I don’t mean for my car. It’s quite potent such a little guy. And you can never hear it either because he has no butt cheeks. The only time you have any kind of confirmation that it’s happened, besides the smell, is when they start sniffing their tails. Like, “There goes another one, ooh that was a good one.” Dogs are the kings of SBDs (Silent But Deadly). This is quite an undesireable quality in a lap dog. If you’re sitting down he’s going to jump in your lap whether you’re prepared for it or not, and regardless of whether or not he’s got gas resevoirs ready for release.

When he first started letting them loose within an arms-length from our noses, we would often exclaim, “Ewww!” and immediately set him down on the floor. The farther away the better. At first he was confused by the sudden, seemingly random rejection. I mean, for a dog, farting is as natural as breathing. Apparently “stinky” just isn’t in their vocabulary at all. If they were to speak that is.

After awhile he figured it out. When he let one loose, we would set him down, then he would sniff his tail like, “Oh yeah, I forgot I did that.” We don’t set him down that much anymore. We’ve developed a slight tolerance for it, but mostly we’re just fanning the fumes away. (Which often leads to, “Hey quit blowing that in my direction!")

We’re back to his quirky little habit. Now anytime we set him down on the floor after he’s been on our laps for awhile, he’ll sniff his tail. It doesn’t matter why we set him down, he’ll sniff himself, probably thinking, “Oh did I let one out? I didn’t realize.” It is hilarious. It’s almost like a stupid pet trick because we enjoy showing it to various family members. He’s quite an adorable little butt-sniffer.

No More Guilt

Thanks to One Lazy Lesbian for shedding some light onto my obsession situation. In her infinite wisdom, I have learned that such behavior okay. After all, where else would I have the time to expound upon the intricacies of my life? I wake up, I get dressed, I pack my vitamins and I go to work. I don’t even eat breakfast until I get to my desk! (Mind you I never miss breakfast unless absolutely necessary. It’s the most important meal of the day and yada yada yada… basically I’m a pig and can’t do without all three meals in the day. With some snacks in between.)

So I’m there for nine or more hours. That’s all day. When I get home I have to play with the frantically happy doggies, think about dinner, and get changed again. After spending all day on a computer I have little desire to get back in front of one again. Oh how I’ve changed. There was a time just a few short years ago (well, maybe more than a few. Maybe 5 or 6) when I would spend all day in front of a computer at work, then go home and spend all night playing on one. You could say that computers were my life… which is self-preserving geek code for saying, “I have no life."

Thank goodness for my sweetie. Thanks to her I now have a balance. Come here you! (Please avert your eyes for a moment of unashamed mushiness.) *smooch smooch sluuurp* . . . *sigh* Okay that all just took place in my head. I’m actually at the office right now and it would have be wildly inappropriate for that to have taken place here. Not to mention a bit shocking for some. I’ll have to wait until I get home.

You see now why I have shed all guilt for posting this during business hours?

Site Statistics

This page has been viewed 812070 times
Page rendered in 0.5779 seconds
Total Entries: 640
Total Comments: 5762
Total Trackbacks: 0
Most Recent Entry: 08/09/2010 09:40 am
Most Recent Comment on: 08/13/2010 08:52 am
Total Members: 1
Total Logged in members: 0
Total guests: 10
Total anonymous users: 0
Most Recent Visitor on: 09/08/2010 03:03 am
The most visitors ever was 781 on 03/02/2007 06:25 am